So once again, it seems like a lot of people are having issues with the WWE Network during this Kickoff. At least it's the pointless pre-show that we're missing, right? Only took them 24 minutes to get it working.
Is Corey Graves wearing a pin made out of clock gears?
Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch
Team BAD's pre-match promo was absolutely terrible, and not in a "funny-terrible" way. That was just cringeworthy. It's clearly an attempt to be like The New Day, but on a similar vein to how people will watch something like Naked Gun and try to replicate it, but they end up churning out Epic Movie. (Note: If you like Naked Gun, I recommend Airplane, obviously, as well as Not Another Teen Movie, Scary Movie 1 and Scary Movie 3. Mel Brooks stuff like Robin Hood: Men in Tights as well as a film like Hot Shots / Hot Shots Part Deux are great, too. Pretty much everything else, you can skip.)
RESULTS: Sasha Banks via submission.
THOUGHTS: These two would do better in a different environment. It didn't help that they followed that terrible promo.
Tag Team Championship Ladder Match: The New Day (c) vs. The Usos vs. The Lucha Dragons
While I'll admit that this promo wasn't as good as they've normally been, The New Day still blows Team BAD out of the water.
RESULTS: The New Day retain after Kofi Kingston retrieves the belts.
THOUGHTS: This wasn't as great as I was hoping it would be, but it was fun. The two best parts were Kalisto's Salida del Sol off the ladder onto another ladder as well as Xavier Woods throwing the trombone.
Rusev vs. Ryback
RESULTS: Rusev via submission (Ryback passes out in the Accolade)
THOUGHTS: Blah. This was filler. It should have come later on in the night instead of killing the energy so early. One step forward, two steps back.
Backstage, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose give each other pep talks about winning their respective title matches.
United States Championship Chairs Match: Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. Jack Swagger
RESULTS: Alberto Del Rio via pinfall
THOUGHTS: Better than the previous match and arguably better than if they would have had a regular match, but not good enough to turn this event around. This is an uphill battle that WWE isn't winning. It's time to pick up the pace.
Backstage, Team ECW talks to JoJo, who I always forget is like 3 feet tall and more attractive than I can frequently remember.
8-Man Elimination Tag Team Tables Match: The Wyatt Family vs. Team ECW
So why is it that Braun Strowman kicks his leg through a table and they don't count that as "going through a table" for an elimination?
Elimination #1 (even though it should be #2): Erick Rowan
Elimination #2: Rhyno
Elimination #3: D-Von
Elimination #4: Tommy Dreamer
Elimination #5: Bubba Ray
RESULTS: The Wyatt Family destroys Team Extreme with 3 remaining members of their team of 4.
THOUGHTS: Lol, sucks to be Erick Rowan, doesn't it? Poor guy. What a dumb move with that Strowman spot. Very disappointing to see Bubba Ray get ready to light a table on fire only for it to end beforehand. You don't tease the audience with something cool and then not do it, particularly when this event has struggled so much as it has.
Intercontinental Championship: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Dean Ambrose
RESULTS: Dean Ambrose wins the title via pinfall.
THOUGHTS: Decent match, but it's not saving this event. I also have to admit that I'm a little disappointed in the outcome (despite liking both guys) because this means I'm probably not getting the Sami Zayn vs Kevin Owens match for the IC title at WrestleMania that I wanted.
Divas Championship: Charlotte (c) vs. Paige
RESULTS: Charlotte retains via pinfall after help from Ric Flair and an exposed turnbuckle.
THOUGHTS: Totes don't care about this, or Charlotte's heel status, or Paige's heel status, or Ric Flair's involvement, or the divas division in general, or TLC at this point. Sorry. I'm ready to just wrap this up and go to bed.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship TLC Match: Sheamus (c) vs. Roman Reigns
The fans are chanting "we want Cena." Zzzzzzzzzzz. Step it up, guys. Come on.
RESULTS: Sheamus retains with some help from The League of Nations.
THOUGHTS: They didn't step it up.
+ Kalisto's Salida del Sol
+ New Day retains
+ This event ended
- Kickoff 12 Days of Christmas song
- The positives of Ambrose's title win are outweighed by the potential negatives I'm fearful of
- Booking problems in the tables match
Reasoning: This event sucked. I have no real motivation to elaborate more here, but if you're interested in hearing more of why I was disappointed in it, be sure to check out our post-show recap and review!
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