Which two men will walk out tonight with a contract in hand for a future title shot? Will all five championships on the line see new holders? Will the Nexus strike again? Is Money in the Bank going to be worth draining your bank of 50 dollars worth of money? Did that take too long to set up that mildly witty and not quite funny enough joke? Who knows, I doubt it, of course, we'll see, and yes but I'm too lazy to put any more effort into it.
Uh oh, the Spanish announcers are out. Someone's being thrown through the table. Ladders are freaking everywhere.
Smackdown Money in the Bank Match: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Kane vs. Big Show
Did Cole just say "for the fourth time, Kane enters the Money in the Ladder Match Arena"? Alrighty, after a good 10 minutes, everyone is finally in the ring haha. Kane and Big Show are the targets at first, naturally, except Cody takes the advantage to set up a ladder. Wouldn't that have been funny if Cody would have just walked right up and won the match right then and there, two minutes into it? Big Show's alone in the ring and breaks the ladder when he tries to climb up, as witnessed on Smackdown. He decides to discard it and use it as a weapon instead, throwing it at Kane. Hardy climbs up and comes very close, but Christian (along with logic, as Hardy sucks) stops him. Cody goes for an attempt but Kofi stops him. Kofi then goes and Ziggler cuts that short. Ziggler then goes, and the boos start before Christian interferes and throws Ziggler from the top. Hardy then tips the ladder over but Christian misses the ropes. Christian and Hardy double-DDT Kane. Hardy attempts a Twist of Fate but Christian reverses, throwing Hardy into a ladder. Christian climbs, but Cody tips the ladder, sending Christian to the outside on top of Big Show (who doesn't quite catch him like he's supposed to). Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise on Kane, where Hardy follows it up with a Twist of Fate. Drew throws both Cody and Matt into the green ring posts. Kane starts clearing the tables. Bad sign. Kofi baseball slide/dropkicks a ladder into Kane and turns his attention on McIntyre, hitting the Trouble in Paradise on him, setting Drew up on top of the Spanish announcer's table. Kofi climbs a ladder and jumps, hitting a Boom Drop onto Drew! Top of the ladder onto a table, quite cool. Ziggler ALMOST gets the briefcase, but Big Show pushes the ladder out from under him, catches him, and sends him to the mat with a chokeslam. Big Show brings out his custom made ladder, which they claim weighs 350lbs. The crowd starts really getting behind Big Show as he tries getting it into the ring. He's having quite a bit of trouble, though, but he eventually gets it. Cody's waiting for something that he's supposed to do, you can tell. And here he comes, using a small stepladder on Big Show's legs. Ziggler hits an Electric Chair on Cody. Kofi springboards onto the big ladder and Big Show tries to stop him, but Kofi reverses with a DDT. Kofi climbs again and Cody dropkicks him off the ladder from the top rope, perfectly. Big Show climbs, but Kane pushes him off and Show falls outside the ring, where everyone else starts throwing all the other ladders on top of him. He now has 6 or 7 ladders on top, while everyone else, save for McIntyre, are in the ring. Kane clears the ring, and Ziggler climbs on top of him, putting on the Sleeper. Kane rams Ziggler's head into the ladder. He then throws Ziggler into the pile of ladders on top of Big Show. Kane chokeslams Kofi into the ladders as well. Cody tries running from Kane, but they get sidetracked and Kane instead throws Cody face-first into some "armored truck" they have near the entrance ramp. Christian and Hardy are fighting on top but both end up falling. Drew starts slowly coming into the ring, and I'm getting worried, as he's the only one I don't want to win. Kane throws him down! KANE WINS!!!
WINNER: Kane via, you know, climbing up and grabbing the case.
Awesome match! Great way to start off the ppv, and I'm very happy Kane won. I really hope that Kane wins the world title and gets a legit run instead of just a one-day reign. Lots of cool spots in this match without going overboard. Everyone for the most part did their work, but I've got to say, the four guys that really held this match together in my mind were Kane, Show, Cody, and Dolph. Great job, great match, great start.
Backstage with Sheamus
Sheamus says he was too prideful and used to believe he was untouchable, but now he realizes that the Nexus is against him. He doesn't think he has the proper respect from beating Cena twice and he hates him, and says the opinion of the WWE universe is useless and the jokes are ridiculous and whatnot.
Diva's Championship: Alicia Fox (c) vs. Eve Torres
Aaaand the crowd is dead. Striker jokes that the divas beat King's door down all the time...but from the inside. King starts saying the ol' "smart, sexy, powerful" line, but cuts himself off to get in the joke that he likes divas with high IQs and low necklines haha. Mostly boos and random one-person shouting from the crowd, as nobody cares. To give them the proper credit, the match isn't particularly awful. It's not too bad. The problem comes in that nobody is going to be into this in the first place, let alone after something as important and fun as a Money in the Bank ladder match like that one. Still, the girls are legitimately trying. Eve goes for a sort of 450, but Alicia sticks her knees up. Axe kick and a three-count later, Alicia retains.
WINNER: Alicia Fox via pinfall.
Not bad, for a divas match. I like Alicia as the champ, so I'm glad she retained.
King and Cole plug "SummerSlam cups" and tell Striker he didn't get one because he doesn't deserve one. Man, they really bust his balls. Time to recap the Destruction of Daddy Swagger from Smackdown. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back for that one. Ok, I'm back.
Backstage with Swagger
Swagger's talking on his cell phone to his mom. He tells her to shut up and says none of it is his fault because his father always lives vicariously through him, and Dad got what he deserved for trying to steal his spotlight. According to Striker, her name is "Mildred Swagger". Odd...cause I could have sworn her son was Jake Hager lol.
Tag Team Championship: The Hart Dynasty (c) vs. The Usos
Jimmy and Jey, the sons of Rikishi. RuPaul, I mean Tamina, the daughter of Jimmy Snuka. Natalya, the daughter of Jim Neidhart. David Hart Smith, the son of the British Bulldog. And Tyson Kidd, the son of...er...well...uh...."he grew up with them" haha. It's white and pink against black and baby blue. Striker mentions the tape on the thumb as the Samoan Spike, in honor of "a fallen Samoan we all love". Naturally, this is Umaga. That was nice to hear. Striker then refers to Kidd as "Dynamo Tyson Kidd", further helping the Dynamite Kidd reference. There's a nice sequence where Kidd goes for a rollup but the Usos tag and it all ends with a Samoan Drop. Jimmy goes for a Samoan Splash but Kidd's knees come up. Smith is distracted by Tamina before he can put on the Sharpshooter, but Natalya stops that. Smith locks in the Sharpshooter and Jimmy taps.
WINNERS: The Hart Dynasty via submission.
The only things really hurting this match are that the fans aren't quite behind all these wrestlers yet, because not only are the Usos new, but this feud doesn't get a ton of time. Plus, it's hard to follow a divas match in that scenario and really kill with the audience. Decent match, though. I enjoyed it.
Criss Angel commercial and a plug for I Fight Dragons' song Money (which I'm a big fan of; catchy song). You know, because when you pay for a ppv, you have to sit through commercials as well.
World Heavyweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Jack Swagger
For all intents and purposes, if you're keeping up the idea that Mysterio has an ankle injury, Swagger should win this in mere seconds. Will that happen? Of course not. They'll ignore it and he'll run around like normal, minus a few limps here and there. The story of this match so far is "Swagger still can't catch Mysterio even though Mysterio shouldn't be able to walk". There's a "let's go Swagger" chant going. I agree. Nice split-legged moonsault from Mysterio. Swagger lands the gut wrench power bomb, but Mysterio's foot is on the ropes. Despite that being Swagger's finisher, Mysterio's up in no time and reversing moves like nothing happened. Swagger sets up what looks like a power slam from the second rope, but then clearly just moves in a position to allow Mysterio to reverse it into a tornado DDT. Rey hits the 619 and goes for a springboard seated senton, but Swagger catches him and attempts the ankle lock. Rey reaches the ropes. Swagger hits two "Swagger Bombs". Rey loosens his boot. Cole says it's to help, but Striker says it actually hurts. Rey gets a quick roll-up and retains.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio via pinfall.
It was entertaining, but what irked me about the match is how often they ignored that Rey was supposed to be injured. That was the storyline going into the match, but they made it so the suspension of disbelief for what Mysterio did was so high, you can't really just buy into it. Sure, you're not supposed to think reasonably when it comes to pro wrestling, but still, give us some credit. The match wasn't too bad, though, and although I don't like that Mysterio retained, I'm glad he did it with just a quick pin rather than something else.
Swagger attacks Mysterio after the match. Kane comes out and makes the save. However, Kane comes back out again. Looks like he's cashing in his MITB case!
World Heavyweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Kane
Kane picks Rey up by the leg and slams him down. He follows it up with a chokeslam, and then a tombstone. 1-2-3.
WINNER (and new world champion): Kane via pinfall.
Awesome!!! I wanted Kane to have another title reign for years, and I don't like Mysterio as champ. Big fan.
Backstage with Edge & Jericho
Edge is watching Kane on a monitor. Jericho approaches, but Edge turns around and says he has eyes in the back of his head. They do the whole "I'm better than you and I'll run down my accomplishments and say I'm going to win and cash in against Cena/Sheamus" shtick.
Women's Championship: Layla (c) vs. Kelly Kelly
Kelly's accompanied by Tiffany and thus, Layla has Michelle with her. Blondetourage against Lay-Cool. Layla and Kelly seem like they don't know exactly what they're doing. Layla pulls a Finlay and pulls down the ring apron to trap Kelly. Striker mentions that Tiffany is a vegan and says they're "kind of like a vegetarian but more annoying". Ten more points to Striker in my book. Kelly's outside for what seems like a good minute, but the ref is only on a 4-count. Michelle interferes, but Kelly pushes her off the barricade and onto the concrete. The fans start a Daniel Bryan chant. Kelly, Layla, and Michelle botch where Michelle is supposed to prevent Kelly from getting the win by putting Layla's foot on the ropes. I blinked and somehow, Layla has won, and they aren't replaying it. It looked like it may have been a quick reversal pin or a sunset flip or something, but I can't be sure.
WINNER: Layla via pinfall.
Ouch. Bad. And I thought this would be the match of the night. Tisk tisk. Think I should tone down the sarcasm? But really...if you were expecting it to be anything but crap, then I don't know what to tell you.
Raw Money in the Bank Match: Randy Orton vs. The Miz vs. Mark Henry vs. Ted DiBiase vs. John Morrison vs. Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne vs. Edge
Edge starts the match by throwing a ladder in the ring, but oddly, leaving as soon as the bell rings. Everyone gangs up on Henry at first, but that doesn't last long. Edge then finds an opportunity where he's alone in the ring and sets up the ladder, but Orton comes after him. DiBiase goes to hit Morrison with the ladder and kick Ted in the head in the process. Bourne dropkicks a ladder into DiBiase. Miz doesn't have two seconds to himself setting the ladder up before the crowd starts booing (which goes to show you how well he does his job). Bourne starts his climb, but Edge stops him momentarily. Bourne reverses into a hurricanrana and Edge goes to the outside, but Orton starts an attack on Bourne instead. He sets Bourne up on the ladder for his DDT. Morrison hits the Flying Chuck on Orton, and for some reason, falls backwards into a ladder. It seems like he just lost his footing. Miz and DiBiase double-team him. They set up a ladder into the corner and try to Irish Whip JoMo into it, but he slides down and ends up tossing both Miz and Ted into it instead. Edge and Morrison fight it out on top while Jericho sets up a ladder next to them and a Y2J chant breaks out. Orton joins the party and we've now got all four men on two ladders exchanging blows. Mark Henry pushes both ladders to the side, sending all four of them into the ropes. Bourne swings himself using the ladder into Henry. Maryse enters the ring and takes off her heels. She sets up a ladder and starts climbing, but John Morrison calmly grabs her, sets her down, and tells her to get out of there. In the meanwhile, DiBiase tries to climb up, but John notices and stops him. They brawl on the outside until the Miz hits John with a ladder. He sets it up against one of the ring posts and slingshots John into it, but John catches himself and climbs the ladder instead. He uses another to swing over into the one that's set up in the middle of the ring and knocks Edge down, but Edge pulls John through the ladder. Morrison is now literally inside one of the ladders while Edge and Miz use another ladder to slam into his chest. Edge then hits Miz and pushes Morrison down. Edge sets the ladder back up, and DiBiase gives him a gut shot with another ladder. (How many times do I have to type 'ladder' in this article?) He then fends off both Jericho and Orton and is back to being alone in the ring. DiBiase climbs and clearly stalls while Mark Henry comes in. DiBiase jumps down but Henry catches him and gives him a World's Strongest Slam. Henry picks up the Miz and throws him down on top of Jericho, who has a ladder on top of him. Bourne jumps on top of Henry while Henry climbs the ladder. Bourne's now on top, but Edge, Orton, and Henry are able to take him down. Edge and Orton throw him to the outside and Henry catches him, then gives HIM a World's Strongest Slam. Morrison out of nowhere hits a Flying Chuck on Henry, followed by Jericho hitting a Codebreaker on Mark, and then Edge finally spears him, taking down the big man. Jericho, Morrison, Orton, Miz, Edge, and DiBiase are all climbing up on this contraption of three ladders joined together. This looks dangerous. Edge and Orton throw one of the ladders (with DiBiase on top) to the outside. Orton hits an RKO on Edge. Jericho and Morrison fight on top while reaching for the case. Jericho gets his leg caught in the ladder. RKO to Morrison, but IMMEDIATELY after, Evan hits Air Bourne on Orton! Evan Bourne climbs and struggles with the briefcase. The crowd starts going nuts. Jericho knocks him off by hitting him with the briefcase and can't reach the case as it's swinging wildly. Edge comes up and fights with Jericho. Orton hits an RKO on Jericho. Orton throws Edge down onto a set of mangled ladders. The crowd ERUPTS as Orton starts climbing. The Miz tips the ladder over and Orton falls. The crowd ERUPTS with boos. THE MIZ WINS!
WINNER: The Miz via...you know.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Awesome match followed by an awesome outcome! Great spots, just like the other, everyone did a great job, and now on top of it, the Miz, one of my favorites, wins. Fantastic!
The Miz gets on the mic and gloats. You've got to admit...the Miz is freaking awesome.
WWE Championship [Steel Cage Match]: Sheamus (c) vs. John Cena
Mixed reaction for Cena, as always. There's a "let's go Sheamus" chant going around for a few seconds. VERY audible "elbow" from Cena followed, naturally, by Sheamus giving him an elbow. That'll find its way onto Botchamania's "Everybody Talks Too Much" segment soon enough. Sheamus receives the cheers in the "boo/yay" punchfest. Decent back and forth action so far. The crowd pulls a short-term memory loss act...because a giant Cena chant breaks out. Sheamus puts a sleeper hold on Cena, but after a solid two minutes or so, it does really nothing and Cena's just trying to climb the cage. It doesn't work and Sheamus goes for a cover, but it's just a two. Sheamus ties Cena up in the ropes, but taunts him instead of just walking over to the door and winning the match. Hubris. He then steps on Cena and uses his body to climb up the cage, but Cena breaks free and stops him. He hits a bulldog onto Sheamus from the top rope. Two-count. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment but instead, Sheamus gives him the Irish Curse backbreaker. Sheamus pump-kicks Cena, but Cena kicks out. Sheamus goes to exit the cage but turns around, wanting to pin Cena. Cena quickly hits the Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus kicks out. And with a round of boos, the Nexus comes out with Tarver holding bolt-cutters. A ref (Chioda, I think) is able to take them off Tarver. Another ref on the outside throws the key to the lock into the crowd. Cena goes for another Attitude Adjustment and Sheamus ends up knocking out the ref. Cena locks in the STF and Sheamus taps, but the ref isn't there to call it. Why isn't the ref on the outside calling the bell? Cena goes to climb out of the cage, and Justin Gabriel catches up to him. Cena throws him from the top of the cage into the ring! Sheamus climbs the other side and kicks Slater down. Sheamus is able to escape and retain the title, due to a few Nexus members holding Cena back.
WINNER: Sheamus via escaping the cage.
Well...I certainly don't like the fact that Sheamus is still the champ, and the match wasn't able to meet the standards of the two ladder matches, but it was better than I thought it was going to be. I really hope Sheamus doesn't keep the title too much longer as I would much rather see Cena vs. Barrett for the title at SummerSlam instead of Sheamus versus...well...anybody at all.
After the match, Cena attacks Tarver and Young.
Overwhelmingly, this pay-per-view was awesome. Sure, there were three things I didn't like about it (explained below in the Low-Blows section), but overall, this was a very, very good ppv. All but one of the matches were at worst decent - and in the case of the MITB ones, both were awesome - so all in all, I thought it was great.