Who will come out of Extreme Rules the new World Heavyweight Champion? Who will survive the steel cage and leave with the WWE title? Who in their right mind believes "That's What I Am" will be anything but crap? It's time for Extreme Rules - the pay-per-view where WWE gives us matches that are supposed to be brutal but usually end up predominantly tame in comparison to what they sound like!
Last Man Standing: Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
Right before the match starts, the Raw GM noise sounds off. Nexus is banned from ringside. Why doesn't Punk just eventually drag Orton over to the ramp, since that isn't ringside, and then have Nexus attack? Plot hole that they always forget about. Punk immediately takes the turnbuckle apart and then the bell rings. The kendo sticks come out and Punk starts posing. They seem really tired tonight and not really into it. Orton sets up a chair in the corner and throws Punk into it. Orton gives Punk a side-suplex on the security barricade. Punk hits the GTS, but Orton stands up. Punk sets up a chair but Orton hits the RKO. Punk gets up. Punk puts Orton's head inside the chair and pushes him into the ring post, but Orton gets up. RKO on the table (which doesn't break). There's a fan in the crowd that just keeps chanting "NINE!!" to each count, haha. Punk rolls off the table, breaking the 10-count, but then falls back down. Orton goes for a punt but Punk reverses into a modified GTS (using the stairs). Orton smacks Punk with the kendo stick a good dozen or so times. Orton hits an RKO from the top/middle rope.
WINNER: Randy Orton.
I was hoping this would be better, but it seemed sluggish to me.
Jerry Lawler leaves the commentary booth to go prepare in the back.
Sheamus is going to wrestle Kofi in a tables match for the US title and he claims that since Kofi isn't from America, he wants a birth certificate. Ugh.
United States Championship [Tables Match]: Sheamus (c) vs. Kofi Kingston
Kofi will win the title tonight, like I predicted. For some reason, after Kofi pulls a table out, Sheamus puts the table back, then goes around the other corner of the ring and pulls another table out. This crowd is totally dead from what I can hear. Kofi puts Sheamus on a table set up in the corner and jumps, but Sheamus moves out of the way. Instead of Kofi going through the table, he hits the ropes instead, which was a very nice spot. Kofi hits a Boom Drop onto Sheamus and they both fall through the table, but the win goes to Kofi.
WINNER (and new United States champion): Kofi Kingston via not falling through a table.
They also seemed tired and the match just didn't do it for me. They needed to bring one of the titles over to Raw, so it was obvious to anyone that gave it some thought what would happen here, and that hurt it a little bit in my mind, but still, the match itself wasn't particularly thrilling.
Backstage with R-Truth
Todd asks Truth how he feels. Truth tells him to shut up. He complains that the show doesn't include him. He smells a conspiracy. "C-O-N....SPIRACY!". "Conspiracies ain't good...they're bad!" Oh man, I like R-Truth now, he's going Mike Adamle mode. He says Morrison stole his opportunity and if there's one thing he can't stand, it's a thief. Kettle?
Country Whippin' Match: Jack Swagger & Michael Cole vs. Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler
Cole comes out covered in bubble-wrap (hahaha). Cole says he's not scared and when he and Swagger beat Ross and Lawler, they can just stay in Florida with the rest of the old, worthless retirees.The bubble wrap apparently helps Cole from being hurt by the strap-whipping. Lawler just punches him instead and then unwraps him. Jim Ross has Jack Swagger in an ankle lock. Jim Ross low-blows Jack Swagger and Cole rolls him up for the win.
WINNERS: Michael Cole and Jack Swagger via pinfall.
As expected, this was a laborious match, although it was a little better than I thought it was going to be.
Backstage with John Cena
If you've heard one Cena promo, you've heard them all.
Falls Count Anywhere: Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio
Wow, this crowd is just totally dead. While Cody is coming out, they're showing the crowd and they're not booing or cheering or anything. Cody gets on the mic and says he wants everyone to put the paper bags on their heads because they're extremely ugly. They're fighting near the concession stands and whatnot. Cody hits the Beautiful Disaster kick and the fans chant "holy shit", then "this is awesome". Mysterio spits the Tajiri kind of mist in Cody's face, hits the 619, and wins with a splash.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio via pinfall.
Backstage with the Divas
All the other divas are standing backstage and Layla comes up, saying she knows they don't like her, but she wants to apologize for anything she's done. They say they're rooting for her over Michelle.
Cole is back on commentary and says he's like Batman/Bruce Wayne since he just wrestled and now is doing commentary.
Loser Leaves WWE: Michelle McCool vs. Layla
Michelle hits her kick almost immediately after the bell rings (twice, if I heard correctly) but doesn't get the win. Most of the match is Michelle kicking Layla in the head. Michelle hits the Faith Breaker but Layla reverses the pin and wins.
WINNER: Layla via pinfall.
This was short and accomplished what it needed to do.
Out comes Kharma. She looks like she lost quite a bit of weight. She hits her finisher on Michelle.
Backstage with Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez
Del Rio is trying to coach Ricardo on how to announce him as the new world champion.
World Heavyweight Championship [Ladder Match]: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio
Even match so far between the two, a lot of back and forth action. Generic ladder spots so far, so nothing really to report on. Christian hits a spear, which gets pretty much the biggest pop of the night so far. There's a ladder set up between the ring and the commentary table and Christian is laying on it. Del Rio jumps from the top rope but Christian moves out of the way, so Del Rio goes through it. Christian starts climbing. Brodus comes out and rips him down from hanging by the belt. Del Rio comes back out and puts Christian in the armbreaker. Del Rio starts climbing and Edge comes out honking a car, causing the distraction. Christian then climbs up and wins the title.
WINNER (and new world heavyweight champion): Christian via retrieving the belt, of course.
This was a good match, finally. I'm very glad that Christian won as well, considering how I think this was his only chance and Del Rio can win it in the future. Good match, definitely the best of the night so far.
Now Kharma comes out and challenges Christian for the title and wins. Just kidding.
Here we go with a commercial for That's What I Am. Snooooooooooze.
Backstage with Alex Riley and the Miz
Riley runs down how Miz has a 33% chance of winning the match.
Tag Team Championship [Lumberjack Match]: Kane & Big Show (c) vs. Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson
For some reason, damn near everyone is a lumberjack except Daniel Bryan, Tyson Kidd and Zack Ryder. A few other people like Chavo aren't either, and there's some guy in a cowboy hat but the camera keeps avoiding him. Big Show attacks like half the lumberjacks. Ezekiel bodyslams Big Show and Wade tags himself in. Wade then gets chokeslammed and pinned.
WINNERS: Kane and Big Show via pinfall.
Meh, kind of a pointless match outside of showing that the Corre is even further divided.
WWE Championship [Steel Cage Match]: The Miz (c) vs. John Cena vs. John Morrison
Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Cena while Morrison damn near escapes the top of the cage area. Surprisingly, Cena isn't too dominant in this match. Cena and Morrison give Miz a double vertical suplex off the top of the cage which definitely looked botched and pretty nasty. Miz powerbombs Morrison into the cage. Cena puts Miz in the STF while he's trying to climb out the door. Cena pulls him back in and tries to climb out but Miz takes him back in as well. Morrison gets tripped up while hanging on the cage and falls crotch-first onto the cage door. Morrison does the Starship Pain from the top of the cage onto both of them! Morrison starts climbing out the cage door and out comes R-Truth to stop it. Truth comes into the cage, shuts the door, and starts beating down Morrison. He hits the axe kick on Cena as well. Miz tries to leave and Cena is magically healed again, of course, to stop it. Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment on Miz from the top rope and gets the pin.
WINNER (and new WWE champion): John Cena via pinfall.
Good match. I'm not a huge fan of the outcome, but it still was a good match nonetheless.
Overall, I think this ppv was rather boring and not that great. The two world title matches were good, but everything else was lackluster at best.