Well, going into this ppv, I didn't have good expectations. Let's see if they prove me wrong.
The opening intro repeatedly states "there is a change coming". Is Triple H going to start finally losing the normal amount of matches?
Intercontinental Championship: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Kofi Kingston
Vickie gets on the mic, but says nothing but "excuse me". Dolph says something to her, but it's inaudible. It kind of seems like she's forgotten her lines or something. There's a sign in the crowd that says "I'm a Dolph-in lover". Kind of a lackluster opener. Nothing's really popping. To top it all off, the Nexus comes and breaks up the match. That's shit. The bell doesn't even ring. If they do this in every match, this ppv is going to be horrible. Wade gets on the mic and says this is just a small taste of what they have in store. Blah blah blah. Seriously, the same promo and the same method (attack people and never give a reason behind it) as we've been seeing for months now. I've grown so tired of this Nexus angle. Time and time again, same thing.
WINNER: No contest.
Bad way to start off the ppv. I know, I know, lots of you are thinking "What? That was great, because I didn't see it coming and it makes Nexus look tough". I disagree. I don't think it makes Nexus look any tougher than they've done for months and I think it screwed us of a finish of the match for no reason, on top of the match not being particularly good anyway.
Backstage: Mizter Money in the Bank
Jericho and Edge are backstage with the Miz, telling him he's needed in the match. Edge is pulling some major product placement, chomping on Slim Jims. I guess this is the first of the commercials for the night, despite this being a ppv. Jericho says if the Miz joins, it'll be bigger than Avatar and Titanic. The Miz steals Edge's Slim Jims.
Divas Championship: Alicia Fox (c) vs. Melina
Quite a pop for Melina when she comes out...but what the fuck is she wearing? She looks like some tribal Disney character. Pocahontas on acid. She holds up her hat...thing...like it's a title. 10 bucks at A.C. Moore, everyone. Then it takes her 5 minutes or so (or at least it feels like it) to take off all the costume stuff she can't wrestle in. King goes on a tirade about loving the divas and Striker calls him out, saying "it doesn't take much to impress you, King". Ha. Melina gives Alicia a modified surfboard...basically without the surf part...so I guess you could call it a Board. After jumping off the ropes in a reversal, it looks like Melina re-injured her knee or at least tweaked it. I'd say it's fake, but it's looking more and more legit each second, as they're really stalling quite a bit here and she looks like she's in real pain, walking slowly and whatnot. Hm...maybe not. She picked up the pace. Nevermind, she wins out of nowhere without her finisher. I guess she is injured. Relinquishing the title tomorrow night, anyone?
WINNER (and new champion): Melina via pinfall.
I don't know. It's a divas match. Melina's better than most, and I kind of like Alicia, but this was hindered by what seems like Melina not being ready to wrestle and screwing her knee up again. Can't fault her for that.
Josh is in the ring, but before he really gets a chance to say anything interesting, Layla and McCool come out. They cut some awful promo (surprised? I'm not) and try to take pictures with Melina, who slowly and lazily fights them. Alicia joins in the attack, but Layla and Michelle turn on her. Who cares? They should just unify the titles and cross-brand the divas.
Handicap Match: Big Show vs. The Straight Edge Society
Sign Guy #2 (orange and green) has a sign that says "Punk is my pharmacist". The medic cuts off Big Show's tape. Why didn't he just do that ahead of time? Stupid. Show dominates the match basically. Punk eventually leaves, while Show punches Gallows, chokeslams Joey Mercury onto Luke, and pins them both.
WINNER: Big Show via pinfall.
How much do you want to bet that, despite Punk and two others not being able to beat Big Show, they'll have a singles match and Punk will win?
Slim Jim Commercial
Scratch that whole "buy this so you don't have to watch commercials like on cable" thing. Pay-per-commercial.
Oh, yay, Kane in front of a casket cutting the same promo he's cut for weeks. Sheamus pops out, interrupts him, does a horrible job trying to sound tough or interesting, and Kane tells him to fuck off in so many words.
The Miz with The Mic
The Miz comes out and asks the crowd if he should join Team WWE. He then says he doesn't care what they think. He claims that Cena earlier begged on his knees for Miz to join and said that the Miz is the one and only superstar who can "see him". He says that Bret called him the real Excellence of Execution. Jericho gave him a Fozzy CD that he threw in the trash. Morrison admitted to being the Marty Jannetty of their team. Edge gave him a year supply of Slim Jims. R-Truth wrote him a crappy song. He's the WWE's only hope and the future. This decision is bigger than the Pepsi Challenge, bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger starring in Terminator 5, bigger than LeBron James. He really drags out an answer, but eventually says yes. When doing his catch-phrase, he yells at the crowd, saying they're not allowed to join in, and that they will speak when they raise their hands and are called on. He wants absolute silence. Because he's the Miz, and he's awesome. (And, by the way, the only thing entertaining about this ppv so far, and the fucking man. Give this guy the WWE title, c'mon!)
WWE Championship: Sheamus (c) vs. Randy Orton
No crowd reaction for Sheamus. Look at the audience and you don't see people booing or cheering. You see them staring blankly. Why did they give this guy the title once, let alone twice? Boring match. Nothing to talk about. Sheamus gets a chair, smacks it enough that it dents before he uses it, and gets disqualified. Bullshit. I'm supposed to enjoy this as one of the main events of "the second biggest ppv of the year"? Ridiculous. Orton attacks Sheamus after the match, but they fuck up an RKO on the table where it doesn't break, and the rest of it just looks sloppy and uninteresting. You've seen it all before and you've seen MUCH better post-match beat downs, though they milk this like it was something beyond the average.
WINNER: Randy Orton via disqualification
Very lame. I especially hate knowing that this means HHH will have his Sheamus feud soon and win the title and I'll have to sit through HHH/Sheamus for weeks/months, and then it's not even followed by someone I'm interested in, but another HHH title reign. There goes any hope of the Miz winning the title any time soon, as clearly if he cashes in against HHH, he'll lose, or be made to look like a jackass and drop the title right back.
Fan of paying money to see commercials? I doubt it.
World Heavyweight Championship: Kane (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
If you've seen one Rey Mysterio vs. Bigger Guy match, you've seen them all. In fact, I'd like to refer you to this article I wrote the other day about how annoying they are. That's the outline of the match to a T. There's nothing at all that you haven't seen before and nothing interesting. A chokeslam and tombstone later, Kane retains.
WINNER: Kane via pinfall.
What should I say? Toot my own horn for calling it all correctly?
When Kane opens the casket up at the end of the match, the crowd lets out an audible "awww", disappointed because everyone knows that Taker is going to pop up out of it. He shuts it, opens it back up a minute later, and there you go, Taker. But MAN, as much as I love Taker (my #2 fav of all time), he looks like SHIT. He can barely make it into the ring and stand, and when he starts talking to Rey, he's wheezing and coughing. I don't think it's a good idea for him to come back if he's not ready. If he's acting, good job, but if he isn't, they need to take his health into consideration. He attacks Kane, but Kane gets the better hand.
Nexus vs. Team WWE
No pyro for Morrison? No song for R-Truth (thankfully)? I don't think they had any pyro for Jericho either, but I wasn't looking at the screen at the time so I might have missed it. That's odd of them. The Miz comes out and Cena gets the mic, saying that no, the Miz isn't the seventh member. That guy is Daniel Bryan. I'm a tiny bit shocked. Not a lot. Just a little. But I know where this is heading at Night of Champions. Daniel Bryan eliminates Darren Young right off the bat with a Crossface. John Morrison pins Tarver with a somewhat botched Starship Pain which actually looks better than when he normally botches it. Skip eliminates Morrison with a clothesline. I knew John would be the first eliminated. That sucks. Skip then eliminates R-Truth with another clothesline. I guess he's getting a push. Bret is disqualified for using a chair on Skip that I think Barrett introduced in the first place. Jericho gives Skip a Codebreaker and Edge spears him to get the pin. They MUST like Skip a lot, considering giving him two eliminations and having him take 3 strong moves to get eliminated himself. Otunga screws up quite a bit and taps out to the Walls of Jericho. Slater pins Jericho with...something...I'm not sure what it was, after Jericho accidentally bumps into Cena. Edge and Cena argue, allowing Slater to get a roll-up and pin him (Edge). Edge spears Cena on the outside and Jericho joins in the attack. Slater then taps out to Bryan's Crossface. The Miz comes out and attacks Bryan, hitting him with the MITB briefcase and allowing Wade to pin him. Gabriel misses a 450 splash and Cena quickly pins him. Then, in what seems like rushed fashion due to the time, Wade taps out to the STF.
WINNERS: Team WWE via 3 submissions and 4 pinfalls.
Could have been better, but by default was the match of the night. That's not saying much, though, considering how everything else blew. It would have been a GREAT TV match, but on a ppv like SummerSlam, it just didn't feel good enough for me. Everything felt rushed. There wasn't even this "shocking heel turn" or anything important that happened like we've been told. This had no stipulation and no consequences and nothing happened that will make any big splashes.
Well, that certainly sucked. This would have even sucked as a B-ppv, let alone the one that is supposed to be considered the second biggest of the year. I wish I could say I was disappointed, but as I said, going into this, it already looked like it was going to suck, so it just lived up to it's potential. I'm not a fan of Bryan Danielson as I think he's MASSIVELY overrated (here's where everyone bitches and says I've only seen his WWE stuff and they limit his moves and blah blah) and I find him incredibly bland as a character and on the mic, so I wasn't exactly thrilled to see him in there, despite how he's a step up from having Khali in the match. Bret Hart's participation was kept at a minimum and still sucked, but what do you expect? I just wish they'd have given that spot to Bourne so we could be entertained instead of watching someone do horrible fake punches and then get DQ'ed. I could go on and on, but it's all up above, really.