Smark Out Moment

What's gone on this past week in wrestling?

• Kofi Kingston and R-Truth might be teaming up on a regular basis, or Kofi might get a new tag team partner from FCW. This, combined with Evan Bourne's merchandise being on sale, spells bad news for Matt Korklan.
• Wade Barrett was indeed injured during the battle royal on Monday Night Raw, dislocating his elbow. He'll likely miss WrestleMania, unfortunately.
• Shaquille O'Neal and WWE keep saying contradictory things towards him wrestling a match this year at Mania. Since they seem to be building towards Cody Rhodes versus Big Show instead of Shaq, I'd trust WWE's judgment of saying he doesn't have a match more so than Shaq's.
• Jimmy Hart has said that TNA stars need to dress more professionally. Personally, I think the whole company needs to act more professionally in a lot of ways, but I haven't seen much of the performers dressing like slobs, so I can't comment much on that.
• CM Punk and Chris Brown are having a war of words on Twitter. Punk wants to choke him out, get in the ring with him for a shoot fight and the profits can go to a women's charity, etc. Brown says Punk is roided up (which Punk took offense to because of his straight edge lifestyle, kudos again on that Punk as I agree wholeheartedly) and said he misses the good wrestlers, #notnopunks. 
• Ron Simmons will be inducted into this year's WWE Hall of Fame. He is likely to be inducted by JBL.
• Eve may be joining up with a WWE Superstar whilst Ryder might team up with a diva (rumor has it at Layla) to keep this feud going. I don't see it happening.
• Possibility of not having a divas match at WrestleMania because they understand that people would rather see more time devoted to shit that matters? Why are they realizing this the one year that they have a good potential match (Karma vs Beth Phoenix) as opposed to the previous years when it was bullshit?

WrestleMania 28/XXVIII - the Rock versus John Cena. This year they had the advantage of building up towards the main event for over 12 months. WWE then apparently didn't bother thinking about the rest of the card until the last minute and threw things together, unfortunately. Does that mean it'll be a bad WrestleMania? Not necessarily. But what are we in store for?


The Rock vs. John Cena
They've spent over a year building up to this (basically), so is it going to live up to the hype? Well, personally, I'm expecting the match to be halfway decent but the outcome to piss people off. Why? Because everyone seems to think it'll be something epic and I have my doubts that WWE will do anything but exactly what they always do with John Cena. By that I mean this match will start off with the two of them showboating for a good few minutes, then one-upping each other, then it'll be a series of kick outs from finishing moves, and finally Cena will just go into Hulkamania mode and win. Then, they'll shake hands, and WWE will think that they finally convinced people to cheer for Cena, but they'll be mistaken and the next night on Raw he'll get a mixed reaction at best.

PREDICTION: John Cena wins, which results in boos. WWE then edits those boos out of the DVD and puts their fingers in their ears, saying "lalalala I can't hear you lalalalala".


WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho
They have been doing such an atrocious job with this feud and the return of Chris Jericho that it astounds me. The first ItBegins2012 video was interesting. The second one and everything that has happened since then has just been awful. Will the match be good? In theory, it should be awesome considering the ability that these two have in the ring. However, this feud needs to pick up NOW because it's just terrible so far.

PREDICTION: Chris Jericho wins the title.


Hell in a Cell: Undertaker vs. Triple H
I really don't want to see this again, even with the Hell in a Cell format and even if Shawn Michaels is the special guest ref as potentially rumored. I'm just not interested. I said last year that they should have had HBK be the ref, but they clearly didn't want to do that, and now it's been too long that the storyline is no longer relevant. I want Undertaker to face somebody new - Wade Barrett, Alberto Del Rio, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, whatever, just not Triple H again. I think Hell in a Cell as a pay-per-view screwed the concept out of it's value and now they're getting rid of Money in the Bank as a ppv (one that I felt was perfect as a ppv) to throw one on the WrestleMania card instead of thinking of something new, and that annoys me. Above and beyond all things, though, is that I don't have any interest in the HHH ass-kissing that we'll be seeing, and if by some chance they have it so HHH beats Undertaker or this is Undertaker's last match or something, I'm going to be SEVERELY pissed off.

PREDICTION: Undertaker better fucking win, I'll tell you that haha.


World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Sheamus
THIS is a main event of WrestleMania? Psh. Give me a break. Now that's an April Fool's joke. Daniel Bryan is nowhere near ready for this type of a match and I highly doubt anybody can convince me otherwise. Bryan's someone I felt never deserved the world title in the first place at this point and it annoys me that he's involved in this instead of being in the Money in the Bank match. I'm expecting Sheamus to win here and I'm also expecting this to be relatively short (possibly even a squash match) and also potentially the first match of the night.

PREDICTION: Sheamus wins the title.


Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes
The predicted Shaquille O'Neal vs Big Show match seems to be off and since they aren't building at all towards Cody vs Goldust, it seems like this is their alternative. I'm not exactly thrilled behind the idea of this match as I don't think these two will match up AT ALL, but if it gets Cody a win, then ok, maybe it'll be a bathroom break quick match or something.

PREDICTION: Cody wins. Big Show gains nothing out of it but Cody gets a huge boost.

Money in the Bank
I wish they would think of something else to have a group of guys compete in as I liked it better as a pay-per-view. That being said, there's rumors that they want to make it consist of all former world champions. If that's the case, the lineup of people that are potentials include: The Miz, Randy Orton, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Christian, Alberto Del Rio, Mark Henry, Kane, and Great Khali. If they don't limit themselves to that, there are other people that currently have nothing to do that can easily be thrown in, including Cody Rhodes, Zack Ryder, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Wade Barrett (if he's not too injured), Ted DiBiase, Santino Marella, David Otunga, Justin Gabriel, and Hunico. I expect Cody to have a singles match, I wouldn't be surprised if Santino, Otunga, Gabriel, Hunico, DiBiase, and Khali were left doing something else or off the card entirely, and my pick to win MITB if he's in it is Dolph Ziggler.

PREDICTION: Dolph Ziggler wins Money in the Bank

Divas Championship: Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Kharma
Would anybody be surprised if this happened? I doubt it.

PREDICTION: Kharma wins the title.

The John Laurinaitis vs. Teddy Long Feud
Are they going to have a singles match between these two, are they going to be in the corner of one person (like Otunga against Santino?) or are they going to have some sort of multi-man team up, such as Team Laurinaitis (David Otunga, Mark Henry, Alberto Del Rio, Christian, and Drew McIntyre) versus Team Long (Santino Marella, Ezekiel Jackson, and 3 other people - possibly Ryder being one of them)?

PREDICTION: Can't predict yet until the match is somewhat formed but I would go with Laurinaitis over Long if it means anything and Long over Laurinaitis if it's just filler.

WrestleMania 28 results and review will be up once the pay-per-view starts. Live coverage of everything from The Rock vs John Cena, Chris Jericho vs CM Punk, Undertaker vs HHH, Shaq vs Big Show, Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus, the Money in the Bank ladder match, Kharma vs Beth Phoenix, and more! Are we in store for a big one? Watch out for WrestleMania 2012!


X

The Roadblock to WrestleMania presents a challenge for CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Will either of them walk out of the Elimination Chamber as the world champion?


Cole informs us that the Elimination Chamber match is 10 years old now. Wow. Time flies.

WWE Championship [Elimination Chamber Match]: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth vs. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston
They're STARTING with this? Wow. This is a surprise. I expected this to go on last for sure. Jericho, Miz, Dolph Ziggler, and R-Truth enter the pods - we're starting off with Punk and Kofi Kingston. Kofi jumps over the top rope and it seems like a botch. It might not have been, but something seemed off with it to me. Kofi and Punk go for some quick pins, all fail, as does Punk's attempt at a quick GTS. Ziggler's off doing pull-ups. Kingston picks Punk up for a side suplex and flips him over, Punk lands on his knees on the chamber grate (botch?). Punk then launches Kofi into one of the pods. Vertical suplex from Punk onto Kofi on the chamber grate floor. First pod entrance is the Dolph Ziggler, who looks a lot like Billy Gunn with his pink tights. Ziggler climbs up the cage and does some more exercising (the man). Next up is R-Truth. He hits the scissor kick on Ziggler but it's a two-count. Punk hits a superplex onto Truth for a two-count. Punk eliminates R-Truth with an elbow drop. Ziggler goes for a roll-up on Punk but Punk reverses it and Kofi blasts Punk with a kick to the head. Kofi jumps from the ropes to the cage, then hits a DDT on Ziggler on the chamber. The Miz enters from his pod. He throws Punk into the ropes and Kofi into a pod. Good lord, Booker can't talk tonight. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice on Miz but before he can tap, Jericho exits his pod. Amongst other things, Jericho hits the Lionsault on Punk. Jericho hits a Codebreaker on Dolph. Ziggler is eliminated from the match. Punk catapults Jericho over the top rope onto the chamber. Jericho locks himself back into his pod temporarily but Punk gets through and then uses it to injure Punk's arm and shoulder. Kofi climbs on top of one of the pods and hits a crossbody on Punk and Miz. Kofi Kingston taps out to the Walls of Jericho and is eliminated from the match. Jericho throws Kofi outside of the chamber. Punk knocks Jericho out as well (and a camera man is knocked down in the process). Referees are saying that Jericho can't continue. I really hope this isn't inspired by the Jesse Sorensen injury at the beginning of TNA's last pay-per-view. If that's why they're doing this, that's really wrong. The whole action stops as they check up on the camera man as well (and the fans chant for CM Punk). Miz attacks Punk and the match continues. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale but doesn't get a pinfall on Punk. Punk hits the GTS and Miz is eliminated. CM Punk wins the match.

WINNER: CM Punk via pinfall.
Good match. For the record, the fact that they started the pay-per-view off with this match meant that something weird has to happen, so I'm not expecting this to be the end of this for tonight necessarily.

Backstage, Santino is dressed like Rocky and preparing a glass of eggs that he drinks. He then throws it up.

Great, let's waste our time with a promo about how John Cena lifts weights. PAY-per-view, folks. And they wonder why there's free streams.

Divas Championship: Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Tamina
Tamina has no shot here. Beth invites Tamina to just leave and quit before getting hurt. "What's the matter, coconut head?" Early on, Tamina goes for the splash but Beth knocks her off the apron to the outside. Tamina beats the count-out but Beth continues the beat down. Tamina hits a Samoan Drop, then goes to the top rope again. Beth once more stops her, then hits a superplex. Tamina fights back, eventually hitting a super kick and going back to the top rope. Third time's the charm and she hits the splash. Beth kicks out, though. Beth rolls out of the ring. Tamina throws her back in. Beth throws Tamina into the turnbuckle and hits the Glam Slam to retain.

WINNER: Beth Phoenix via pinfall.
Not bad for a divas match. No real botches and stuff per usual.

Santino is backstage, punching some meat (ala Rocky again).

Josh Mathews says they'll hope to get a word with Jericho tonight on what happened earlier.

Out comes John Laurinaitis. He struggles to remind us that he's still the Interim Raw GM and that Teddy Long should be held to the same scrutiny he was with the Board of Directors. Out comes Alberto Del Rio. He says Teddy doesn't do his job and blah blah blah. He suggests Johnny Ace be the permanent Raw AND Smackdown GM. Out comes Mark Henry. Is this the injury brigade? Are Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio coming out next? Henry says he was wrongly suspended. Now Christian is coming out. I guess it is the injury brigade. Why is this on a ppv instead of on Raw or Smackdown? This is ridiculous. He supports Laurinaitis the same as Henry and Del Rio. Otunga takes a picture of them standing together. The end. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? What was the fucking point in that?

And now we're getting a WrestleMania commercial. Jesus Christ, WWE, stop wasting all this time on PPV events. You couldn't have had the tag titles defended or the United States title or anything?

Santino is now doing an homage of the Rocky steps scene.

Josh Mathews is interviewing Big Show backstage. Yeah, more time wasting. He has to win, he will.

World Heavyweight Championship [Elimination Chamber]: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Big Show vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Santino Marella vs. Great Khali
The main event is really going to be Cena vs Kane? Come on. They have such a boner for Cena. The four pod people are Khali, Rhodes, Santino, and Bryan - we're starting off with Barrett and Big Show. First out of the pods is Cody Rhodes. This is boring. The next entrant is Santino Marella. Cody and Barrett team up to give Big Show a suplex onto the chamber grate. "Boring" chant going on...I agree. Next out of the chamber is Khali. If they wanted Bryan to be the last man entered and win with that one, why did they do that with Jericho? Why not just do it with Bryan right off the bat? Foresight and planning, WWE, c'mon. Big Show hits a spear on Khali and eliminates him. Pointless for Khali to be in this match. All he did was give people the Punjabi Plunge. They should have just added Justin Gabriel in instead. Big Show climbs the ropes and is trying to reach down to pull Bryan out of the pod before the time is up. Show climbs over and gets in the pod, beating Bryan down inside it. It's only a few moments before Bryan's number is up and the pod opens up, allowing Daniel Bryan to get away. Nevermind, Bryan tosses him through the pod door. Show chokeslams Bryan. Barrett goes after Big Show with a big boot, then ties Show up in the ropes and hits him again with a big boot. Cody hits two Beautiful Disaster kicks on Big Show, then a DDT. Barrett hits an elbow drop. Big Show is eliminated by Cody Rhodes. Santino rolls Cody Rhodes up and eliminates him. Cody retroactively hits Crossroads on Santino. Barrett goes for a cover, but Santino kicks out. Who else is expecting Santino to pin Wade with another roll-up or something, then Bryan make him submit? Bryan goes for his turnbuckle flip and fucks up. Wade crotches Bryan on the top rope, then clotheslines him. Wade rams the chamber pod door into Bryan's head. Wade then boots Santino out from the ropes as well. Barrett's just destroying both of them. Wade misses an elbow drop on Santino. Bryan headbutts Barrett from the top rope. Santino goes for a pinfall and Wade Barrett is eliminated. Crowd is naturally firmly behind Santino. Bryan hits a bunch of kicks on Santino, but Santino kicks out. Santino rolls him up and only gets a two-count. Bryan misses a top rope splash. Out comes the cobra. Cobra on Daniel Bryan, but DB kicks out. Bryan puts Santino in the LeBell Lock. After struggling, Santino has to tap out and is eliminated. Daniel Bryan wins the match.

WINNER: Daniel Bryan via pinfall.
Nowhere near as good as the other one. This was boring for the most part and didn't feel important. They needed to replace Khali with someone bigger in name.

Sheamus comes out while Daniel Bryan is celebrating. He hits the Death Valley Driver on him.

Hornswoggle is wearing a cheese hat and looking at cheese. He asks Natalya to cut the cheese. Another fart thing...great....and on a pay-per-view. Ugh. They really think THIS is good enough for a pay-per-view? They want people to spend 50 bucks on THIS shit? Gabriel comes up to talk to Hornswoggle and Swagger walks up with Vickie. Teddy makes a match between the two. Swagger endorses Laurinaitis. Teddy says HE should be the one running both shows, then makes the Swagger/Gabriel match for the US title.

Commercial for the Rock. Ugh.

United States Championship: Jack Swagger (c) vs. Justin Gabriel
I wonder why WWE can't commit to adding all of the matches on a card ahead of time, instead of having to throw things together at the last minute. This is a basic kind of match from bell to bell. Gabriel looks decent but not like they're particularly pushing him - they just let him not get squashed. Swagger eventually wins with the ankle lock.

WINNER: Jack Swagger via submission.
Meh. Not bad, not great, just what it was. I would have liked it better if they would have cared enough to make this match ahead of time.

Ambulance Match: John Cena vs. Kane
People are expecting Rock to interfere or Cena to turn heel. All I'm going to say is I hope everyone doesn't get their hopes up. I'm expecting nothing important to happen. I would not be surprised at all if this is just Cena punching Kane for 30 minutes and then winning, the end, let's hope the fans cheer because he "rose above hate" - that kind of bullshit. Cena and Kane are using stretcher equipment against each other. Kane goes for his top rope clothesline but Cena dropkicks him (kind of). Time for some shoulder blocks. Kane puts Cena in a wheelchair. Hopefully this means we don't have him face the Rock at WrestleMania (haha). For the second time, Kane does that stupid move where he puts his hand over Cena's face and basically does the Mandible Claw minus the claw part, making it the mandible face-hold (bullshit). Back to the ambulance, Cena throws Kane into it head-first. Cena hits Kane with the folded up wheelchair. Uh oh, was that a chair shot to the head essentially? Banned from WWE! Wait, it's Cena, nevermind, they'll just give him a blowjob instead. Cena puts Kane in the wheelchair and half-assed pushes him into what looked like a small amount of containers that wouldn't hurt at all. Awesome. Now Kane decides to throw some shit at Cena, half-assed. Steel chair to the back from Cena...followed by Cena shaking someone's hand. Maybe we'll get a 20 minute promo about him shaking that guy's hand on Raw tomorrow night. This match sucks. Cena gets on the mic and mumbles something, then eventually asks Booker if he's in his Fave Five. Spanish Announcers' Table is being dismantled. Fan just chanted "you still suck, Cena". Cena hits Kane with the top of the ring steps, then drags the bottom in front of the SAT (no doubt preparing for an Attitude Adjustment). He hits Kane again with the top, then stacks that back onto the bottom. Cena picks Kane up and walks him up the steps, but Kane chokeslams him through the SAT instead of the planned AA. Cole said the usual "thunderous" chokeslam line. Kane props Cena on one of the stretchers. Cena's laying down face first- this looks stupid. Kane puts Cena in the ambulance, but Cena stops the doors from closing and walks out, perfectly fine, as always, because he's Super-Cena and shit doesn't matter like logic. Cena and Kane fight on top of the ambulance. Cena gives Kane an Attitude Adjustment onto one of the standard padded areas that is hidden from camera angle. Booooo. I'm tired of that crap. If you're going to do something like that, figure out a different way of accomplishing it, not just the standard hiding the padding from the frame shit. Now Cena puts Kane in the ambulance and wins.

WINNER: John Cena via putting Kane in the ambulance...you know...like what the rules are.
For anyone that expected better, I'm sorry. I didn't. I didn't expect the heel turn that didn't happen, the interference from the Rock which didn't happen, any of that. This went exactly how I expected - a generic Cena match where he comes back from a beat down and just wins.

What's gone on this past week in wrestling?

• The Miz is going to be a villain in Mick Foley's new book. Look out for that one. Check out my Countdown to Lockdown book review and interview with Mick Foley while you're at it.
• Alberto Del Rio says that he legitimately doesn't like the Miz. It seems like Miz rubs people the wrong way as this isn't the first time someone has said that about him, plus WWE is currently pissed at him as well. Bad time for the Miz right now, especially considering how on top of the world he was this time last year.
• Beth Phoenix getting involved in Wonder Woman? Personally, I vote no on this one unless it's a cameo or something.
• It appears as though Jesse Sorensen, who suffered an injury during TNA's Against All Odds 2012 pay-per-view, might be out for a year. Here's hoping it's a much speedier and full recovery. It's never a good thing when someone gets injured.
• The Funkasaurus is being put on hold. I guess WWE got tired of the joke already. Long term planning, fellas, long term. 
• WWE officials are saying that outside of a few people, the superstars just don't seem like they're motivated to be main eventers like they used to be. Rose colored glasses? Maybe. Lack of the talent to stand out? Possibly. Piss poor job from WWE Creative in giving them something to work with to get over? My guess.

WWE ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2012 SPOILERS / PREDICTIONS OF RESULTS COVERAGE

What's gone on this past week in wrestling?

• Did WWE rip off Colt Cabana with their "Are You Serious" show on their YouTube channel? Hm...
• Some of these WWE YouTube shows are apparently so bad they'll never air. And yet, the Usos cooking one did...
• Drew McIntyre is being referred to as "The Arrogant Playboy" and might receive a new gimmick - or it's possibly just one of many new nicknames apparently being thrown out there by BOK Center such as Ted "Man of the People" DiBiase, "Gusty" Daniel Bryan, "Simply Grand" Natalya, "Vindictive Leader" Hunico, "Twisted and Tormented" Cody Rhodes, and "Malevolent" Wade Barrett. For the record, the only one of those I like is the DiBiase one.
• CM Punk tossed his shirt to a kid in the crowd at a Wichita, Kansas live event, but a man grabbed the shirt instead. Punk then went out of his way to get a shirt for the kid. Very nice. I like to hear that stuff. Phil Brooks wins a lot of brownie points in my book for doing that.
• Eve Torres breaks her nose, R-Truth has that injury spot, there seemed to be some audio screw ups...what was wrong with Raw this week?
• There's heat on Miz for the Truth spot and he apparently was chewed out in front of the other wrestlers backstage. This is a shame, as Miz is someone who should be a main eventer the way he was this time last year, but I'm assuming the grand total of this whole thing will be that he gets shortchanged for a few months with WrestleMania, possibly gets drafted to Smackdown, and then he's back on top again soon enough. 
• Wade Barrett is getting a lot of people that agree with me that his new theme song is a terrible fit for him. He tweeted "If people keep telling me how much they hate my new music, I'll change it. I REALLY respect the opinion of other people. I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than hear End of Days again." Personally, I thought that worked really well for him AND I like the song myself, but I just don't think this new one fits him in the slightest bit. If he were a babyface...MAYBE...maybe... 
• Chris Jericho says on Twitter "Funny how some of u never stop complaining and think u know it all. Just sit back and enjoy the ride…you’ll have a lot more fun!" - I hate that phrase so much. If you could sit back and enjoy it, you would, but the problem is that you aren't enjoying it. You can't argue that if you don't like what food you have on your plate for dinner to just eat it and like it.

The card for this looks like crap in my opinion. It's missing a lot of big names and seems like it just screams "filler pay-per-view". Sometimes, those events can shock us and be pure awesome, but more often than not, those become oversights and just a total mess, so I'm not looking forward to this at all. Only one match, the X-Division title defense, is one I'd be interested in watching outright. Other than that, I expect the rest to be mediocre at best but generally unsatisfactory. Let's hope I'm wrong.


PREDICTIONS: Blind shots in the dark as always, I'm going with Bobby Roode, Jesse Sorensen, Tara, Austin Aries, Garett Bischoff, AJ Styles, and Crimson/Morgan.

No Taz tonight, Jeremy Borash is with Mike Tenay. What's up with that? Apparently, there was a death in his family. Sorry to hear that. My condolences, Taz. No ripping on you tonight.

#1 Contender's Match (for X-Division Championship): Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen
Sorensen gives his football to a kid in the crowd. Zema Ion offers the same kid his hairspray. After a minute of wrestling, Ion takes the football away from the kid. Tenay's play-by-play commentary is quite good tonight. Zema Ion moonsaults onto Sorensen on the outside. He takes a while down, and the ref isn't really counting. If this is a storyline, it's awkward, and if it's an injury, it's even more awkward. Now the ref is holding up the X and Zema Ion wins.

WINNER: Zema Ion via count out.
Not much of a match to review. This was short.

Trainers and such are checking up on Sorensen.

Backstage, Christy Hemme talks to Bobby Roode, who touts himself as the dominant champion and says he keeps walking out the champ - he gets the job done.

Television champion Robbie E comes down to the ring and gets the mic. He says there's the Robbie E Invitational and challenges anyone. Shannon Moore accepts the challenge.

TV Championship: Robbie E (c) vs. Shannon Moore
Right off the bat, Robbie E decides to leave and walk up the ramp. Moore brings him back down to the ring. Back and forth action, nothing too impressive or weird. T takes a shot against Moore, E follows it up and wins.

WINNER: Robbie E via pinfall.
Would have preferred the pay-per-view to just end earlier than to have this match on it.

Knockouts Championship: Gail Kim (c) vs. Tara
My apologies for not reporting much but this is just not special at all. It's not keeping my attention. Nothing of note happens and then Gail Kim gets her finishing move on Tara to win.

WINNER: Gail Kim
Didn't care for it.

Tag Team Championship: Crimson & Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe & Magnus
This whole pay-per-view is just very bland to me. This match is following the same pattern. It's very generic and feels like I'm watching an episode of Impact as opposed to a ppv. Blah blah blah. Crimson accidentally hits a spear on Matt Morgan. Joe and Magnus capitalize and pin Morgan to win the tag titles.

WINNERS (and new tag team champions): Samoa Joe and Magnus via pinfall.
Continues to be a boring pay-per-view.

Bully Ray cuts a great promo backstage. This guy's one of the best in the company now, which is so weird.

They say they'll update everyone on Sorensen's condition as soon as they can.

X-Division Championship: Austin Aries (c) vs. Alex Shelley
50/50 Aries vs Shelley chant in the crowd. Some innovative moves here and there. Shelley jumps awkwardly over the top rope from the turnbuckle to land on Aries, but nobody gets injured or anything (it just looked weird to me). Aries takes too long preparing the pendulum elbow drop and misses it. Shelley picks up the pace and gets back in the swing of things. There's a second where I thought Alex Shelley was the champion as Aries quite literally grabbed the rope at a fraction of a second away from being pinned - very good. There's another 2-3/4 pinfall, this time on Shelley, after Aries hits the Brainbuster. Shelley blasts Aries with a kick to the head and gets a two count. "This is awesome" chant in the crowd. Aries locks in his submission move (Last Chancery? Is that how you spell it?) and Shelley taps out.

WINNER: Austin Aries via submission.
Match of the night. Very entertaining.

Backstage, Hardy, dressed like an idiot, says he's feeling lucky.

AJ Styles vs. Kazarian
"Daniels sucks" chant from the crowd. Kazarian isn't necessarily wrestling as a heel, which I like. Unfortunately, this match is suffering a bit in my mind from a bad atmosphere. It feels, again, like it's not important and a pay-per-view match. It's not bad, however, it's just not feeling to me as if it's something you should be paying to watch. Say what you want about how I rip on TNA but there's just something about WWE's production values and everything that makes every pay-per-view feel like a pay-per-view even if the match quality sucks as well. Nice Russian leg sweep from Kazarian. Time for the finishing maneuver reversals. Styles gets up on the ropes for a springboard to Kazarian but moonsaults backwards onto Daniels. Kazarian is able to take that opportunity to hit his finisher on Styles afterward and win the match.

WINNER: Kazarian via pinfall.
Second best match of the night, but not as good as the X-Division title match.

Backstage, Bischoff says Gunner is going to destroy Garett and he wants Hogan to throw in the towel.

Gunner vs. Garett Bischoff
Garett Bischoff, the future of the business. Hm. Methinks there's a bit of favoritism going on. Boring match again. This pay-per-view...man...what a shame. It didn't have a ton of potential in my mind to start with but they just seem so off today. It isn't even "TNA is booking this like they're insane and the wrestlers are botching like crazy" on normal scales, it's just flat out bland. It's like the wrestling equivalent of overcooked spaghetti - sure, you know what it is and it has a vaguely similar taste but you just don't enjoy it because of how much of that taste has been drained from it. Bischoff lands a punch on Garett. Hogan walks over and punches Eric to coincide. Garett goes for an inside cradle and gets a two-count. Hogan considers throwing in the towel but Garett tells him not to. Gunner then hits a DDT and pins Garett to win.

WINNER: Gunner via pinfall.
Pass.

Sting wants to make sure everyone is on their best behavior.

TNA Championship: Bobby Roode (c) vs. Jeff Hardy vs. James Storm vs. Bully Ray
During the introductions, Bully Ray grabs the mic from Hemme and says "shut up skank" and introduces himself. Roode tries to convince Ray to work together with him but Ray isn't up for the idea. Storm and Hardy work together against Roode, however. That eventually stops as it always does with some quick pin attempts. Ray eventually enters the match and now we're at standard 4-way methodology where there's basically two people sitting off to the side. Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind on Roode but it's a two-count. Nice spot where Storm and Hardy give Roode a Superplex while Ray powerbombs them both. They land a little weird, but it doesn't appear as though anybody is injured. And here we go with the referee down. Bubba Bomb on Jeff Hardy and Ray really should have won. Jeff then hits a Twist of Fate on Ray and the ref is still out. Roode spears Hardy but gets a Codebreaker from Storm afterward.Storm hits the Last Call on Roode but before the ref can count to 3, Bully Ray pulls him out. Storm then jumps to the outside and lands on the ref, taking him out again. Roode hits a spinebuster on Ray. Hardy hits a Twist of Fate on Roode, then misses the Swanton. Roode gets the title belt and goes to use it against Hardy, but Sting grabs it away from him. Roode taunts him to hit him. Sting goes for it but hits Hardy in the head instead. Sting has to count the pinfall.

WINNER: Bobby Roode via pinfall.
Not bad, not great. The last 2 minutes were the highlight of it.

What's gone on this past week in wrestling?

• Bret Hart will represent Calgary, Albert, Canada in The Genographic project, having his DNA stored. Congrats to Bret.
• Mike Tyson will be inducted into the celebrity wing of the WWE Hall of Fame this year. Makes sense to me.
• Natalya farting still? This gimmick is supposed to get her over??? Ridiculous
• I do not want to see HHH vs Undertaker again.
• Hulk Hogan's talking about his electrical stimulation for his back and how it works better than viagra.....yeah...
• Chyna says HBK shouldn't be praying for her. I disagree.

Elimination Chamber, or as I like to call it, the Roadblock to WrestleMania! Six men enter, one man leaves. Actually, 12 men enter, 2 men leave as champion, then the other 10 leave as losers, but that's not as epic sounding so we'll gloss over that. This is the pay-per-view that determines whether or not WWE has long term plans they want to stick to or if they're panicking at the last minute and switching up their titles for the WrestleMania card. What's in store?




WWE Championship [Elimination Chamber]: CM Punk (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth vs. The Miz vs. Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston
Very surprised that Kofi Kingston is in here instead of Alberto Del Rio, but I assume that's because Del Rio's still too injured to participate. Maybe they're rewarding Kofi for Evan Bourne's mistakes and the handstand he did at the Royal Rumble? Either way, Kofi Kingston is probably the first eliminated here and has no shot at winning. The same goes for R-Truth. We all know now that Jericho is the final participant and I think that's going to play into this quite a bit. Punk, however, I don't expect to be the first. I can see this starting off with Miz and Kofi - that way Dolph can come in, maybe eliminate Kofi, Punk can come in, eliminate Miz, Truth can flounder around, get eliminated by Jericho eventually, then Punk busies himself with Dolph and eliminates him, Jericho beats Punk afterward.

PREDICTION: Chris Jericho wins the title.


World Heavyweight Championship [Elimination Chamber]: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show vs. Santino Marella vs. Khali
I'm a little surprised that Khali is in this instead of Christian, who was supposedly able to return at the Royal Rumble but was held off. I'm also a tiny bit surprised that Cody is in it as well, as I didn't think they'd do his IC title match with Goldust at WrestleMania, but rather, at Elimination Chamber. Now, the question is solely about which one of these three names walks away with the title - Bryan, Barrett, or Orton. One of those is winning this match, without a doubt, and I'm starting to really think that Barrett has no shot the way that he was booked at the Royal Rumble, nor Orton the way that we keep hearing about Money in the Bank possibly being former world title holders and that's it. Barrett doesn't fit in that category, but Daniel Bryan would, so it would make sense if they had Bryan drop the title and have Sheamus vs Barrett with Bryan in MITB. However, I'm not expecting that. The way they've continually booked Bryan, I'm definitely expecting him to retain by the skin of his teeth and gloat, then get his ass whooped by Sheamus basically in a squash match at WrestleMania where he drops the title to The Great White. Match I'd prefer, though? Barrett vs Sheamus. Match I expect to happen, Bryan vs Sheamus. As for entrances and eliminations, I'll have to ponder about that.

[UPDATE: Randy Orton has been removed from the pay-per-view, storyline concussion but I highly doubt there's any truth to that. I'm expecting this to have happened because they couldn't figure out a way to eliminate Orton from the match without him looking weak, since WWE is paranoid about that with their stars - look at Cena - so now, naturally, Orton is not going to win this. Santino is in it instead, and he has no shot. I'll update this again and in more detail once Smackdown happens.]

PREDICTION: Daniel Bryan retains the title.


Ambulance Match: Kane vs. John Cena
What's an ambulance match? Is that just a stretcher match? Oh well, at least it's something newer than just doing a standard no-DQ match or something. Either way, I'm not too excited about it, as Cena clearly wins going into WrestleMania and their brawl at the Royal Rumble outside sucked, so this most likely won't be much better. 

PREDICTION: John Cena wins.


Divas Championship: Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Tamina
I'm surprised that Tamina's push has lasted this long and gone this far. Kudos to WWE for sticking with it. That being said, she has no shot at winning here whatsoever. Beth's holding it for Kharma at WrestleMania in a Lumberjill Match or something. 

PREDICTION: Beth Phoenix retains.

Sheamus could do something with Otunga or Alberto Del Rio or something. Jack Swagger has been absent for the most part. Epico and Primo have nobody to defend their tag titles against that I can think of. Tough call but they're at least adding one more match to the card if not 2. 

It's time for my favorite pay-per-view of the year (generally speaking)! Royal Rumbles are always a lot of fun, so I'm looking forward to it. For those interested, you can check out my Royal Rumble stats and records page to see how much time I've wasted figuring these things out for your benefit (ok, for mine as well).


Dark Match: Yoshi Tatsu vs. Heath Slater
According to Chris Dace, a co-host of Smack Talk, who is currently at the Royal Rumble (go and see him, he'll interview you), this is a dark match going on right now. Slater apparently botched two moves and the match was so-so, kind of average, or so I've been told.

WINNER: Yoshi Tatsu via pinfall.

World Heavyweight Championship [Steel Cage Match]: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry
Big Show scares a little kid when he comes out for his entrance. I see Sign Guy in the crowd possibly right next to Sign Guy #2, opposite side of the hard camera. Big Show is taking it to Mark Henry while Bryan tries to escape the cage. For the record, that's how I'm expecting this to end, with Bryan escaping the cage. We'll see. I'm surprised Henry's doing as much as he is, considering his injuries. Big Show hits a superkick on Mark Henry, nice. Do you hear that Sexual Chocolate chant? Chris Dace just got that started. Bryan's hanging on the outside of the cage but Big Show is pulling him upward. Nevermind, he falls.

WINNER: Daniel Bryan via escaping the cage, I was right.
Not a big fan of the match, but I can't blame Henry as he was very limited. The rest of the match was just kind of a bore.

Very long commercial promoting John Cena, as if he doesn't get enough promotion. This is taking forever.

Beth Phoenix, Natalya, & Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Alicia Fox, & Tamina
Both teams match their outfits (except for Tamina basically, poor Tamina). This is such a filler match. Lawler just tried about 6 times to say "double trouble" and botched it on Booker T levels. We're at the obligatory "all the divas fight" portion with Kelly Kelly going to the top rope, splashing on all of them. Nice move for the divas division (even though it doesn't make much sense as she splashed on her teammates as well) but Kelly pulled off the move itself fine, so congrats to her. Beth hits Kelly with the Glam Slam and pins her to win.

WINNERS: Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and the Bella twins via pinfall.
Generic divas match. Nice move from Kelly, but other than that, the usual shit.

Backstage, Zack Ryder is in a wheelchair and John Laurinaitis comes up to him. He says he's got him his own room, if he needs anything to let him know, and gives him a Woo Woo Woo. Eve lashes out at Johnny Ace and hopes he gets fired. "That's gratitude for you" he says. Eve calls him an ass and wheels him into his room.

John Cena vs. Kane
Cena comes out to a round of boos. They lagged on Kane's music. Cena's dominating (ugh). Let's go Cena/Cena sucks chant. How come nobody chants Isaac Yankem? C'mon guys. Even when Kane is getting the upper hand, it's not being sold by Cena as Kane being a true force of nature, but just a generic move kind of thing. This is clearly a case of WWE worried about Cena here more than Kane (no surprises, right?). Kane puts his hand over Cena's face and Cena reverses it into an STF kind of, but Kane breaks out of it. Kane his hits clothesline from the top rope spot, then calls for a chokeslam. Cena dodges and starts shoulder-blocking. You Can't See Me leads to a choke, but not a choke slam. Big boot to the face, 2-count. Cena hits a YCSM from the top rope. Kane escapes an AA attempt. They fight to the outside and both get counted out.

WINNER: Draw, double count out.
They couldn't have even had Kane win by DQ? Meh.

They're very lazily fighting backstage, basically just slowly throwing each other into trash cans. Now Kane has a chair and they're starting to use some other things. Kane COMPLETELY misses Cena with the chair, and it's so obvious that he hits the floor. This is pretty bad. Now Kane broke down the door to Ryder's room and attacks him some more, putting his hand over his face until he passes out. He's wheeling Ryder out to the stage. He dumps him out around the ring. Eve runs out to beg Kane to stop. Kane looks at Eve while he gives Ryder a tombstone. Out comes Cena. Kane chokeslams him. Now we've got the referees checking on Cena and Ryder, calling in the medics and whatnot. A way to waste more time (as opposed to running another commercial...but they'll probably do that too).

Now we've got a commercial for the Rock. Great. This should be another 5 minute time waster. Let's promote his movie! Yaaay Rocky!

Drew McIntyre vs. Brodus Clay
Well, if McIntyre isn't in the Royal Rumble, I've got one prediction wrong. I expected him to be the fastest eliminated. For some reason, Booker is talking about Bill Cosby. Normal Brodus squash match.

WINNER: Brodus Clay via pinfall.
Not much to review, but that song is so damn catchy.

WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler with John Laurinaitis as special guest ref
Laurinaitis is wearing a sleeveless ref shirt....lol. He says he'll be the ref for the outside the ring, while the inside will have another. Vickie Guerrero is banned from ringside. Little botch with Punk throwing Ziggler into the ropes, but a little too far, so he landed odd (but not injured or anything, just slightly off, figured I'd point it out). Ziggler hits his repetitive elbow drops. Punk is able to escape a sleeper hold, attempting an Anaconda Vice but not being able to lock it in. Punk hits a nice power bomb, but only gets a 2-count. Kick to the head is another 2-count for Punk on Ziggler. Punk hesitates to climb to the top rope, looking at Laurinaitis. He then hits an elbow drop, gets another 2-count. The real ref gets knocked out of commission. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice and Ziggler taps, but Laurinaitis is busy checking on the ref. Ziggler rolls up Punk, Punk reverses it, but Laurinaitis is still not paying attention. John puts the ref in the ring. Punk picks up Ziggler for the GTS and spins him around, hitting Laurinaitis in the process (who falls outside the ring, badly). he hits the GTS and goes for a pin, but the ref is still out of it and Laurinaitis is pissed. Ziggler reverses another GTS attempt with a leg drop - very well done. The ref counts, but it's only a two. Punk slingshots Ziggler into the turnbuckle, then hits the GTS again. Both the normal ref and Laurinaitis count the pinfall and Punk wins.

WINNER: CM Punk via pinfall.
Not the best match these two have had, but it was still the best match so far on the card. I hope they can have more matches together.

Royal Rumble Match
Wooo! Are you guys as excited as I am? Entrant #1 is naturally The Miz. He gets on the mic and says everyone's doubting him and he's proven everyone wrong in the past, he'll do it tonight. Entrant #2 is Alex Riley. Holy shit, I was right! Check at youtube.com/smarkoutmoment, I totally called that! Riley is eliminated by the Miz. Entrant #3 is R-Truth. Truth is taking it to Miz and almost eliminates him, early. Entrant #4 is Cody Rhodes. I didn't expect him this soon. Justin Gabriel is number 5. Number 6 is Primo. I'm definitely expecting Sheamus to clear the ring soon. The Miz eliminates R-Truth. Truth comes in again and drags Miz out, but Miz isn't eliminated. Entrant #7 is Mick Foley. He comes out as Foley, by the way, not the other faces. Primo is eliminated by Foley. Entry #8 is Alberto Del Rio - wait a minute, it's Ricardo Rodriguez! Totally didn't expect him in the match at all! He comes out dressed as Del Rio in a shitty car. (The action stops as they're looking at him - there's another Royal Rumble staple down). Justin Gabriel gets eliminated. Entry #9 is Santino Marella. Santino goes right to Ricardo and has some fun with him. Ricardo is eliminated by Santino. WE'RE HAVING A SOCKO VS COBRA FIGHT! This is epic. Entry #10 is Epico.He's definitely going to be eliminated fast. Right when Epico comes in, he gets a Cobra, then a Mandible Claw and Foley eliminates Epico. Miz and Rhodes get back into things. Santino is eliminated by Cody Rhodes. Foley is eliminated by Rhodes as well. Entry #11 is Kofi Kingston. Booker is doing a horrible Jamaican accent, which Kofi doesn't even have anymore. Boom Drop on Miz and Cody. Entry #12 is Jerry Lawler! He leaves commentary and gets into the ring. Lawler pulls the strap down and hits his fist on Miz, but Cody comes up and eliminates Lawler. Entry #13 is Ezekiel Jackson. Is that an Ahmed Johnson chant I hear? Entry #14 is Jinder Mahal. Mahal takes a long time to get into the ring. Entry #15 is the Great Khali. He goes after everyone, but eliminates Jinder Mahal and Ezekiel Jackson. Entry #16 is Hunico. Entry #17 Booker T! He does what Lawler does, takes his coat off and leaves the commentary table. He runs into a problem with Khali though. HOLY SHIT - Kofi Kingston avoids elimination by doing a handstand and moving to the ring steps to get back in. That was crazy! Entry #18 is Dolph Ziggler. Entry #19 is Hacksaw Jim Duggan! Wow I didn't expect all these non-roster members to be in here. Duggan then gets eliminated by Cody Rhodes who mocks his "hoooo!!" chant. Cody them eliminates both Booker and Khali. Entry #20 is Michael Cole! Wow. Entry #21 is KHARMA! DEFINITELY the biggest shock so far in my mind. Cole gets eliminated by Booker, Lawler, and Kharma. Kharma gives her finishing move to Dolph Ziggler. Kharma then eliminates Hunico. Kharma is eliminated by Dolph Ziggler. Entry #22 is Sheamus. Kofi Kingston is eliminated by Sheamus. Sheamus hits his 10 chest smacks to Cody, then does it to Miz as well. Entry #23 is Road Dogg Jesse James! "You still got it" chant. Entry #24 is Jey Uso. Entry #25 is Jack Swagger. Entry #26 is Wade Barrett. This was my pick for the winner (number 26) and Barrett is my second choice for winner. Wade eliminates Road Dogg. Entry #27 is David Otunga. Entry #28 Randy Orton. Expect a lot of eliminations now. Orton hits a double rope-DDT on Rhodes and Ziggler. Jey Uso is eliminated by Randy Orton. RKO to Barrett. Randy eliminates Wade Barrett. Entry #29 is Chris Jericho. David Otunga is eliminated. Entry #30 is Big Show. This means no Kane, the first Royal Rumble he hasn't been in. That sucks. Jack Swagger is eliminated by Big Show. Big Show then eliminates Cody Rhodes and the Miz, and Dolph Ziggler. The final four are Sheamus, Jericho, Orton, and Big Show. Big Show is eliminated by Orton. Randy Orton is eliminated by Chris Jericho. Lots of false finishes here. Jericho hits a Codebreaker and goes for a pinfall. Sheamus puts Jericho on the outside apron and Brogue Kicks him. Chris Jericho is eliminated! SHEAMUS WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE! 

WINNER: Sheamus
Very entertaining! I loved it!