The Roadblock to WrestleMania presents a challenge for CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Will either of them walk out of the Elimination Chamber as the world champion?
Cole informs us that the Elimination Chamber match is 10 years old now. Wow. Time flies.
WWE Championship [Elimination Chamber Match]: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth vs. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston
They're STARTING with this? Wow. This is a surprise. I expected this to go on last for sure. Jericho, Miz, Dolph Ziggler, and R-Truth enter the pods - we're starting off with Punk and Kofi Kingston. Kofi jumps over the top rope and it seems like a botch. It might not have been, but something seemed off with it to me. Kofi and Punk go for some quick pins, all fail, as does Punk's attempt at a quick GTS. Ziggler's off doing pull-ups. Kingston picks Punk up for a side suplex and flips him over, Punk lands on his knees on the chamber grate (botch?). Punk then launches Kofi into one of the pods. Vertical suplex from Punk onto Kofi on the chamber grate floor. First pod entrance is the Dolph Ziggler, who looks a lot like Billy Gunn with his pink tights. Ziggler climbs up the cage and does some more exercising (the man). Next up is R-Truth. He hits the scissor kick on Ziggler but it's a two-count. Punk hits a superplex onto Truth for a two-count. Punk eliminates R-Truth with an elbow drop. Ziggler goes for a roll-up on Punk but Punk reverses it and Kofi blasts Punk with a kick to the head. Kofi jumps from the ropes to the cage, then hits a DDT on Ziggler on the chamber. The Miz enters from his pod. He throws Punk into the ropes and Kofi into a pod. Good lord, Booker can't talk tonight. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice on Miz but before he can tap, Jericho exits his pod. Amongst other things, Jericho hits the Lionsault on Punk. Jericho hits a Codebreaker on Dolph. Ziggler is eliminated from the match. Punk catapults Jericho over the top rope onto the chamber. Jericho locks himself back into his pod temporarily but Punk gets through and then uses it to injure Punk's arm and shoulder. Kofi climbs on top of one of the pods and hits a crossbody on Punk and Miz. Kofi Kingston taps out to the Walls of Jericho and is eliminated from the match. Jericho throws Kofi outside of the chamber. Punk knocks Jericho out as well (and a camera man is knocked down in the process). Referees are saying that Jericho can't continue. I really hope this isn't inspired by the Jesse Sorensen injury at the beginning of TNA's last pay-per-view. If that's why they're doing this, that's really wrong. The whole action stops as they check up on the camera man as well (and the fans chant for CM Punk). Miz attacks Punk and the match continues. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale but doesn't get a pinfall on Punk. Punk hits the GTS and Miz is eliminated. CM Punk wins the match.
WINNER: CM Punk via pinfall.
Good match. For the record, the fact that they started the pay-per-view off with this match meant that something weird has to happen, so I'm not expecting this to be the end of this for tonight necessarily.
Backstage, Santino is dressed like Rocky and preparing a glass of eggs that he drinks. He then throws it up.
Great, let's waste our time with a promo about how John Cena lifts weights. PAY-per-view, folks. And they wonder why there's free streams.
Divas Championship: Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Tamina
Tamina has no shot here. Beth invites Tamina to just leave and quit before getting hurt. "What's the matter, coconut head?" Early on, Tamina goes for the splash but Beth knocks her off the apron to the outside. Tamina beats the count-out but Beth continues the beat down. Tamina hits a Samoan Drop, then goes to the top rope again. Beth once more stops her, then hits a superplex. Tamina fights back, eventually hitting a super kick and going back to the top rope. Third time's the charm and she hits the splash. Beth kicks out, though. Beth rolls out of the ring. Tamina throws her back in. Beth throws Tamina into the turnbuckle and hits the Glam Slam to retain.
WINNER: Beth Phoenix via pinfall.
Not bad for a divas match. No real botches and stuff per usual.
Santino is backstage, punching some meat (ala Rocky again).
Josh Mathews says they'll hope to get a word with Jericho tonight on what happened earlier.
Out comes John Laurinaitis. He struggles to remind us that he's still the Interim Raw GM and that Teddy Long should be held to the same scrutiny he was with the Board of Directors. Out comes Alberto Del Rio. He says Teddy doesn't do his job and blah blah blah. He suggests Johnny Ace be the permanent Raw AND Smackdown GM. Out comes Mark Henry. Is this the injury brigade? Are Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio coming out next? Henry says he was wrongly suspended. Now Christian is coming out. I guess it is the injury brigade. Why is this on a ppv instead of on Raw or Smackdown? This is ridiculous. He supports Laurinaitis the same as Henry and Del Rio. Otunga takes a picture of them standing together. The end. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? What was the fucking point in that?
And now we're getting a WrestleMania commercial. Jesus Christ, WWE, stop wasting all this time on PPV events. You couldn't have had the tag titles defended or the United States title or anything?
Santino is now doing an homage of the Rocky steps scene.
Josh Mathews is interviewing Big Show backstage. Yeah, more time wasting. He has to win, he will.
World Heavyweight Championship [Elimination Chamber]: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Big Show vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Santino Marella vs. Great Khali
The main event is really going to be Cena vs Kane? Come on. They have such a boner for Cena. The four pod people are Khali, Rhodes, Santino, and Bryan - we're starting off with Barrett and Big Show. First out of the pods is Cody Rhodes. This is boring. The next entrant is Santino Marella. Cody and Barrett team up to give Big Show a suplex onto the chamber grate. "Boring" chant going on...I agree. Next out of the chamber is Khali. If they wanted Bryan to be the last man entered and win with that one, why did they do that with Jericho? Why not just do it with Bryan right off the bat? Foresight and planning, WWE, c'mon. Big Show hits a spear on Khali and eliminates him. Pointless for Khali to be in this match. All he did was give people the Punjabi Plunge. They should have just added Justin Gabriel in instead. Big Show climbs the ropes and is trying to reach down to pull Bryan out of the pod before the time is up. Show climbs over and gets in the pod, beating Bryan down inside it. It's only a few moments before Bryan's number is up and the pod opens up, allowing Daniel Bryan to get away. Nevermind, Bryan tosses him through the pod door. Show chokeslams Bryan. Barrett goes after Big Show with a big boot, then ties Show up in the ropes and hits him again with a big boot. Cody hits two Beautiful Disaster kicks on Big Show, then a DDT. Barrett hits an elbow drop. Big Show is eliminated by Cody Rhodes. Santino rolls Cody Rhodes up and eliminates him. Cody retroactively hits Crossroads on Santino. Barrett goes for a cover, but Santino kicks out. Who else is expecting Santino to pin Wade with another roll-up or something, then Bryan make him submit? Bryan goes for his turnbuckle flip and fucks up. Wade crotches Bryan on the top rope, then clotheslines him. Wade rams the chamber pod door into Bryan's head. Wade then boots Santino out from the ropes as well. Barrett's just destroying both of them. Wade misses an elbow drop on Santino. Bryan headbutts Barrett from the top rope. Santino goes for a pinfall and Wade Barrett is eliminated. Crowd is naturally firmly behind Santino. Bryan hits a bunch of kicks on Santino, but Santino kicks out. Santino rolls him up and only gets a two-count. Bryan misses a top rope splash. Out comes the cobra. Cobra on Daniel Bryan, but DB kicks out. Bryan puts Santino in the LeBell Lock. After struggling, Santino has to tap out and is eliminated. Daniel Bryan wins the match.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan via pinfall.
Nowhere near as good as the other one. This was boring for the most part and didn't feel important. They needed to replace Khali with someone bigger in name.
Sheamus comes out while Daniel Bryan is celebrating. He hits the Death Valley Driver on him.
Hornswoggle is wearing a cheese hat and looking at cheese. He asks Natalya to cut the cheese. Another fart thing...great....and on a pay-per-view. Ugh. They really think THIS is good enough for a pay-per-view? They want people to spend 50 bucks on THIS shit? Gabriel comes up to talk to Hornswoggle and Swagger walks up with Vickie. Teddy makes a match between the two. Swagger endorses Laurinaitis. Teddy says HE should be the one running both shows, then makes the Swagger/Gabriel match for the US title.
Commercial for the Rock. Ugh.
United States Championship: Jack Swagger (c) vs. Justin Gabriel
I wonder why WWE can't commit to adding all of the matches on a card ahead of time, instead of having to throw things together at the last minute. This is a basic kind of match from bell to bell. Gabriel looks decent but not like they're particularly pushing him - they just let him not get squashed. Swagger eventually wins with the ankle lock.
WINNER: Jack Swagger via submission.
Meh. Not bad, not great, just what it was. I would have liked it better if they would have cared enough to make this match ahead of time.
Ambulance Match: John Cena vs. Kane
People are expecting Rock to interfere or Cena to turn heel. All I'm going to say is I hope everyone doesn't get their hopes up. I'm expecting nothing important to happen. I would not be surprised at all if this is just Cena punching Kane for 30 minutes and then winning, the end, let's hope the fans cheer because he "rose above hate" - that kind of bullshit. Cena and Kane are using stretcher equipment against each other. Kane goes for his top rope clothesline but Cena dropkicks him (kind of). Time for some shoulder blocks. Kane puts Cena in a wheelchair. Hopefully this means we don't have him face the Rock at WrestleMania (haha). For the second time, Kane does that stupid move where he puts his hand over Cena's face and basically does the Mandible Claw minus the claw part, making it the mandible face-hold (bullshit). Back to the ambulance, Cena throws Kane into it head-first. Cena hits Kane with the folded up wheelchair. Uh oh, was that a chair shot to the head essentially? Banned from WWE! Wait, it's Cena, nevermind, they'll just give him a blowjob instead. Cena puts Kane in the wheelchair and half-assed pushes him into what looked like a small amount of containers that wouldn't hurt at all. Awesome. Now Kane decides to throw some shit at Cena, half-assed. Steel chair to the back from Cena...followed by Cena shaking someone's hand. Maybe we'll get a 20 minute promo about him shaking that guy's hand on Raw tomorrow night. This match sucks. Cena gets on the mic and mumbles something, then eventually asks Booker if he's in his Fave Five. Spanish Announcers' Table is being dismantled. Fan just chanted "you still suck, Cena". Cena hits Kane with the top of the ring steps, then drags the bottom in front of the SAT (no doubt preparing for an Attitude Adjustment). He hits Kane again with the top, then stacks that back onto the bottom. Cena picks Kane up and walks him up the steps, but Kane chokeslams him through the SAT instead of the planned AA. Cole said the usual "thunderous" chokeslam line. Kane props Cena on one of the stretchers. Cena's laying down face first- this looks stupid. Kane puts Cena in the ambulance, but Cena stops the doors from closing and walks out, perfectly fine, as always, because he's Super-Cena and shit doesn't matter like logic. Cena and Kane fight on top of the ambulance. Cena gives Kane an Attitude Adjustment onto one of the standard padded areas that is hidden from camera angle. Booooo. I'm tired of that crap. If you're going to do something like that, figure out a different way of accomplishing it, not just the standard hiding the padding from the frame shit. Now Cena puts Kane in the ambulance and wins.
WINNER: John Cena via putting Kane in the ambulance...you know...like what the rules are.
For anyone that expected better, I'm sorry. I didn't. I didn't expect the heel turn that didn't happen, the interference from the Rock which didn't happen, any of that. This went exactly how I expected - a generic Cena match where he comes back from a beat down and just wins.