PREDICTIONS: Kazarian beats Samoa Joe. Kendrick over Abyss. Styles over Daniels. RVD over Jerry Lynn. Austin Aries wins the 4-way match. Alex Shelley wins the #1 contender spot. Douglas Williams loses to whomever he ends up facing in the open challenge. I don't feel confident about these predictions at all, though.
Not having Taz is a blessing and a curse. If Borash is better, the matches will be upgraded as a result, but now I don't have anyone to make fun of, which makes me sad. Is it just me, or does Borash look like he could be Tenay's son when he's sitting next to him like that?
Samoa Joe vs. Kazarian
The crowd seems to be pro-Joe over Kazarian. The match seems to be pro-Joe as well as he's been in charge from the get-go. Even though Kazarian is getting some reversals and such, he primarily is just being squashed. Speak of the devil, one quick reversal leads to Kazarian getting a quick pin on Joe.
WINNER: Kazarian via pinfall.
Decent starter match, but the ppv needs to ramp it up to a whole new level because if it stays like this the whole time, it will get tiresome.
The masked wrestlers are signing autographs for fans and Eric Young comes up to them asking for a partner. Shark Boy answers the call.
Douglas Williams vs. Mark Haskins
Who is this Mark Haskins guy and why does he think he's John Morrison? Williams gets the mic, says Haskins is great and a future star, but he's going to need his A-game when it comes to wrestling Williams live on ppv. Right off the bat, they're starting with lots of pinning combinations and reversals. Twice in the match, Haskins slipped up a bit, which resulted in a "you fucked up" chant and then a series of boos. The second one led to Williams getting a pin. Haskins wasn't that bad, I don't think.
WINNER: Douglas Williams via pinfall.
Meh, for a pay-per-view, this doesn't cut it.
After the match, Williams raises Mark's hand and then shakes it. New British Invasion member?
Backstage with Austin Aries
Aries says that he hopes all the people watching illegal streams choke on whatever unhealthy food they're eating. I guess I should put away those Dunkaroos. Aries puts himself over and says the other guys don't match up. I'm rooting for him or Low Ki.
Generation Me vs. Eric Young & Shark Boy
I'll tell you what, I didn't even realize that the six-sided ring was back until they mentioned it in this match. That's how much that really meant to me when they switched it to the normal 4-sided version. Lots of tags, lots of instances where the ref just flat out ignores the 5-count that teams have to get back outside the ropes, lots of quick action though nothing particularly interesting enough to single out and talk about. I blinked for a second and missed what Eric Young did to get the pin, but they said "wheelbarrow".
WINNERS: Eric Young and Shark Boy
This was an Impact level match. I'm starting to think that the majority of this ppv is going to come off with that sort of feeling. It definitely isn't shaping up to be worth the money to buy....Austin Aries.
Backstage with Zema Ion
Zema Ion, whom I have to admit I've never heard of before, cuts a rather awkward promo about feeling like he deserves the contract and he's honored to be in the ring with the other guys.
Ultimate X: Alex Shelley vs. Shannon Moore vs. Amazing Red vs. Robbie E
There's a spot here where Red spits in Shelley's face. I thought that was interesting enough to note. Robbie's selling a lot in this match (sometimes overselling which is funny as he gets kicked in the head and stumbles around to Ric Flair levels). My main criticism about the Ultimate X match concept is how often during it you see someone climb across and then someone just yanks them down easily. It makes sense logically, but it just looks so anticlimactic all the time to me. Nice spot where Robbie throws Red to the outside who corkscrews and lands on Shelley and Moore. Shannon climbs the post and starts walking across the top of the structure (which is far away from the X, so I don't see the purpose in that).Shannon climbs down on top of it, kicks Red off, and then gets kicked off by Shelley. Shelley then unhooks the X and wins the match.
WINNER: Alex Shelley.
Not too bad. I'm glad that Shelley won.
Backstage with Kaval. I mean Low Ki. I mean Brandon.
Why did WWE screw this guy over?
Jerry Lynn vs. RVD
Split crowd. They start off with a handshake. They're wasting time and it's annoying me as I'm getting antsy for some big action (and not in a good way, ie, this isn't building my anticipating).This whole match is really lagging and it's making it impossible for me to get into it. Am I unaware of this match being no-DQ or is Hebner, cause there's a chair being involved and nobody is being disqualified. There's a good sunset flip power bomb where Lynn throws RVD halfway across the ring and his head hits the chair. That was great. RVD wins with probably the best looking frog splash I've seen in a HELL of a long time.
WINNER: RVD via pinfall.
If this match was as good the entire time as it was the last 2 minutes of it, I would have loved it, but it took so incredibly long to get into the swing of things that by the time it got good, it was too late to salvage on a grand scale. The last minute of it is worth the watch but the beginning can totally be skipped.
Backstage with Jack Evans
Evans cuts the same basic awkward promo that Zema Ion did, though he quotes Eminem in it - and no, he didn't say he was cleaning out his closet.
Austin Aries vs. Low Ki vs. Zema Ion vs. Jack Evans
The fans chant "everybody" to start the match (haha). I am looking forward to this match. Aries splashes all three of them separately in the corners and they follow it up by triple-teaming him with dropkicks at the same time. If any of them is more over than the others, it's probably Jack Evans. Aries puts Ion in a submission while Low Ki puts Evans in one and the ref watches both situations, though neither submits. Low Ki rolls up Aries and out of nowhere (literally, out of frame), comes Jack Evans to break it up. Evans really is pulling out some nice stuff that I haven't seen before. Props to him. There's a woman in the crowd chanting "Jack! Jack! Jack!" and she sounds like a squeak toy. Evans goes for the 630 splash but Zema pushes him off, hits his 450 on Low Ki, but Aries interrupts the count. Evans attempts the 630 again and misses. Aries hits a brainbuster on Low Ki and gets the pinfall.
WINNER: Austin Aries via pinfall.
See now this is what this whole ppv should have been like. Definitely the match of the night. Very entertaining, awesome spots, very good.
X-Division Championship: Abyss (c) vs. Brian Kendrick
Abyss no-sells everything Kendrick does at first - kicks, punches, a crossbody. He sells it when Kendrick bites his fingers, though. Abyss in the middle of a match is reading from the Art of War. Really, TNA? You're going to have a guy READ in the middle of a match? After all, Reading Matters. Abyss is bleeding (figures) and apparently that makes it so Kendrick now can hurt him. Kendrick kicks out of the Shock Treatment. And there we go, there had to be the inevitable referee bump. Every damn TNA ppv has to have someone blade and someone knock the ref out. Kendrick hits Sliced Bread, gets about an 8 count on Abyss, and Bischoff comes out. Kendrick hits him. Ray, Gunner, and Steiner come out to attack Kendrick. Generation Me, Shark Boy, and Amazing Red come out to back up Kendrick, but they just get their asses handed to them. A whole handful of others join in and attack the Immortal people. Kendrick reverses a chokeslam from Abyss into a rollup and Hebner counts the 3 for the win.
WINNER (and new X-Division champion): Brian Kendrick
I'm sure people will tell me that it was an awesome match, but I didn't see that. It was mediocre in my mind. I'm glad Kendrick is the champion though.
AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels
Split crowd again. I apologize for not saying much, as honestly, there hasn't been anything worth talking about to me. There's the standard suicide dives and whatnot, but really am I going to sit here and list every time one of them dose a simple kick to one another? I doubt you'd want to read that. For what's supposed to be a "best of the best" match, this doesn't seem to be. AJ hits a good moonsault into an inverted DDT. AJ hits the Styles Clash and Tenay flat out acts like he knows it won't be the end of the match. Way to sell it, Mike. He does the same when Daniels hits his finisher. AJ jumps off the top rope with a corkscrew and wins the match.
WINNER: AJ Styles via pinfall.
Very lackluster main event.
See, for someone that doesn't watch Impact, I can do a damn good job of predicting the outcome of these matches, can't I?