Capitol Punishment seems like it would be the name for Linda McMahon's failed senate campaign, but nope, it is the replacement pay-per-view for last year's Fatal 4-Way.
Nice set on the stage tonight.
The Spanish announcers are out! Someone's going through a table!
United States Championship: Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Kofi and Dolph definitely want to turn some heads. You can tell that they're motivated tonight. Cole just said if Dolph wins the US title, it's "money in the bank". Maybe he'll get that next month. Kofi counters a sleeper. Dolph reverses an SOS. Kofi hits a crossbody splash on Ziggler's back and follows it up with a Boom Drop. Kofi misses the Trouble in Paradise but is able to hit the SOS. Two-count, however. Ziggler tries to roll up Kofi and hold his tights but Kofi still kicks out. Kofi hits a crossbody from the top rope, but Dolph kicks out again. Kofi goes for the SOS again but Dolph turns it into a sleeper. Kofi breaks out of it.Kofi misses the Trouble in Paradise. Vickie interferes and does something (what she does, I don't know, cause it looked sloppy) to Kofi. Dolph takes advantage of this and puts Kofi in the sleeper hold. The ref stops the fight and the commentators are confused about the outcome. For some reason, Booker thinks Dolph got disqualified. They clear it up, Kofi lost the title.
WINNER (and new United States champion): Dolph Ziggler via submission.
Good match. It wasn't their best, but it was good, and a good start to the ppv. I'm glad Ziggler won as well.
Backstage with R-Truth
A limo pulls up and R-Truth comes out, holding John Cena's WWE title belt and drinking some water. He says the champ's in the house and invites Josh and Eve to a party. Eve says she doesn't know who he is anymore. Truth says nobody does. He's going to dedicate the upcoming victory to all the "Little Jimmy"s and "Little Jenny"s.
Backstage with the Miz
Todd asks the Miz if he has what it takes to beat Riley. Miz says Riley's the reason that he isn't the champ right now and he saved Riley from NXT rejects like a dog from a shelter.
The Miz vs. Alex Riley
I don't quite see why they're doing this match so early. Riley gets a decent pop. Once Miz gets in control, the match starts becoming a lot slower, and the crowd starts waning. The majority of this match is just Miz beating Riley down, which makes me think they're unfortunately going to have Riley get some quick win at the end. I hope they don't do that. I'd rather see an even match with Miz winning clean. Riley gets back in control. He even goes after Cole. Miz takes the briefcase and the ref grabs it out of his hands before he can hit Riley. Riley hits a DDT and scores a pinfall. I hope they go back to him using the F5 move and that they don't just have him use a generic DDT as a finisher.
WINNER: Alex Riley via pinfall.
Disappointing. It was too slow and generic. Maybe their second match will be better.
Backstage with Sgt. Slaughter and a horrible Obama lookalike
I hate how they think these things are funny. Vickie comes up to the fake Obama and does a Marilyn Monroe parody. I'll be right back...I need to get a noose. You know why.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show
Not having Ricardo Rodriguez announce Del Rio just sounds awkward. I like Justin Roberts, but it just doesn't feel the same. Big Show attacks Del Rio before he even gets to the ring. Mark Henry comes out to help Del Rio out. Henry gives Big Show a World's Strongest Slam through the Spanish announcers' table. Classic. I love any time the SAT is destroyed. They're talking about Del Rio winning by count out but the match hasn't even started yet - otherwise, with Mark Henry's interference, Del Rio would be disqualified anyway, so that makes no sense."When was the last time you saw the Big Show grimacing in pain like this?" Uh, how about the whole fake car accident thing that started this feud and you've been showing 100x a week? The bell didn't even ring, and yet the ref is counting Big Show out. Big Show gets into the ring in time. The bell rings and the match officially starts. Big Show's leg is targeted by Del Rio, naturally. Big Show chokeslams Del Rio, who rolls out of the ring. Del Rio goes to the top rope but Big Show catches him. Del Rio takes out Big Show's leg again and attempts the armbreaker but Big Show picks him up and drops him. Del Rio switches it up and puts Big Show in a cross LEGbreaker. Big Show makes it to the ropes. Big Show can't make it to his feet to defend himself and the ref stops the match, awarding it to Del Rio.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio via repetitive booking.
So the first match ends in confusion with the ref saying Kofi can't continue, the second match has the ref stop a DQ, the third match has a ref forget that the match hasn't started yet several times and then it ends with the match being stopped by the ref in similar fashion to the first match? Did WWE focus so much on those shitty political segments that they forgot the rules and forgot what endings they booked? I don't want this feud to continue as I haven't been interested in it in the first place.
Backstage with R-Truth
Truth backstage is pissed at a guy pointing out that the title's nameplate says John Cena and not R-Truth.
Backstage with Wade Barrett
Wade takes the mic from Striker and starts walking through the backstage area cutting his promo. He says he doesn't like being in the nation's capitol and that this place needs a Queen. He points out the Anthony Weiner situation and says our education system is a joke. He brings up the debt and says in 20 years, everyone in this building will be speaking Chinese. When it comes to America, it looks shiny and great from the outside but when you get inside, you realize it doesn't live up to it, much like Ezekiel Jackson. A "USA" chant breaks out. Wade says Zeke can quote scripture all he wants, but Wade is a very well read man, and he can read Ezekiel. Good promo, very effective.
Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett (c) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Booker says Wade is a modern day "Steve Regal". A 'USA' chant breaks out again. Cole thankfully points out that Zeke isn't from America and the fans are stupid for chanting that if it's in support of Ezekiel. I have no clue what Booker is saying right now but he's talking about Charlie Brown and how Linus has a blanket he carries around. A "we want Ryder" chant breaks out. Wade hits Wasteland on Zeke, but he kicks out. Ezekiel starts the body slams. After 4 of them, he sets Wade up for the torture rack. Wade submits and Zeke wins the title!
WINNER (and new Intercontinental Champion): Ezekiel Jackson via submission.
Not a 5-star classic, but not too bad. It could have used some more substance behind it and a little more time, but it was a step up from the Del Rio and Big Show match.
Jerry Lawler gets in the ring and asks Zeke what it feels like to be the new IC champion. He says it feels awesome and he's the personification of domination.
Backstage with Santino, Beth Phoenix, and Kelly Kelly
Santino goes to show Fake-Obama the Cobra and Fake-Secret Service take him down.
Backstage with CM Punk
Punk says that he's a politician himself, but he tells the truth, unlike other politicians. Any other "sports entertainer" that tells you otherwise is lying through their teeth. The only difference between Rey and Punk is that Punk is honest about using everyone to become rich and admits it.
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk
Right off the bat, CM Punk is being cheered by the crowd. Now you can hear the normal dichotomy of kids chanting 619 and the lower register male voices chanting for Punk. Normal Rey Mysterio match so far (ie, nothing to report on). Finally something interesting happens when Rey hits a springboard moonsault onto the outside. Rey hits a 619 using the ring post, making Punk go to the outside. The match finally starts to get good with lots of counters and false finishes. Eventually, Punk catches Rey while he attempts a 619 and hits the GTS for the win. The crowd cheers quite a bit.
WINNER: CM Punk via pinfall.
Very slow and boring start that I had no interest in. It eventually turned out better than expected, though it took a while to get there.
World Heavyweight Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs. Christian
Cole says that Orton is roughhousing with Christian. I guess his finisher will be playing footsies and then he hits him with a noogie. Back and forth with nobody really dominating so far. Orton does a nice twist on the top rope to turn it into a two-count pinning predicament. Orton starts just pounding on Christian's chest, which I found funny, along with someone in the crowd chanting "you can do it!" ala Rob Schneider. Great move by Orton...I'm not sure what it technically would even be called. The counters have begun with a Killswitch being dodged and an RKO being dodged as well. Christian turns an RKO attempt into a DDT but only gets a two-count. Another blocked RKO attempt leads to a Spear, but Orton kicks out. Out of the blue, Orton hits an RKO and retains the title. It kind of looks like Christian might have had his arm under the rope, but they're not mentioning this, so I guess it won't be made part of the story.
WINNER: Randy Orton via pinfall.
Match of the night. These two have worked very well together. I still want the feud to end, as I don't want them to beat it into the ground, but they've had a great series of matches.
Now, Christian is complaining, saying that he was under the ropes. I guess that was planned. Orton lays him out with the world title belt to the skull.
The "Keith Stone" beer character comes out with the Bella twins. Why? I have no fucking idea either. They didn't even do anything, as now they're running the R-Truth promo again. What was the point in that?
Special Bonus Match (aka "emergency time filler"): Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
There's another "we want Ryder" chant. They just cut to the Bellas and one of them was chanting for Evan. Heel/face mix up there. Squash match basically with Bourne just hanging on. This is killing the crowd. Swagger goes for the gutwrench power bomb, but Bourne reverses, Swagger reverses into an ankle lock, and Bourne reverses into a pinfall victory.
WINNER: Evan Bourne via pinfall.
I didn't mind it, but meh. At least it was better than having some promo with the Keith Stone and Bellas combination which still made no sense.
Fake Obama gets introduced. You see, this is the shit that keeps WWE from being taken seriously. It isn't the fact that it's scripted entertainment, it's that they do nonsense like this. "Good luck to John Cena" / "boooo" / "and good luck to R-Truth" / "boooo". The only thing funny about this segment wasn't planned on WWE's part. Booker gets into the ring and does a spinaroonie. Fake Obama does one too. Where's that noose?
WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. R-Truth
Boos for both still. I'm sure they'll say that Cena "evokes a reaction from the crowd like nobody else" instead of just being honest and saying "lots of people don't like him even though we continually tell them that they should". Lalalalala I can't hear you WWE Universe, now watch this video package we edited to make it seem like everyone cheers Cena 24/7. The let's go Cena / Cena sucks chants start and Cena looks kind of pissed. Now there's a chant for Little Jimmy. Booker takes credit for Truth's corkscrew elbow Lie Detector move. So there you go, everyone, now we know who to blame for that. The crowd is dead if they're not involving themselves in some kind of a chant amongst themselves. Even Cole, Booker, and Lawler are starting to just amuse themselves and talk about clothes pins. Another "little Jimmy" chant starts. Booker claims that the fans are backing Cena and Cole asks him if he's listening to what they're saying. Booker then admits it's 50/50. About time there's some honesty. Truth hits his finisher and Cena kicks out. I started typing that before the ref even counted because it's obvious when they do that with Cena. Truth takes a fan's Cena hat and drink and the fan tosses the drink in Truth's face. It'd be interesting if that weren't a plant, but c'mon. Apparently that was enough to allow Cena to run over (perfectly fine of course), then hit the AA in the ring and win the match and act like he wasn't hit a single time, no-selling the entire match as always.
WINNER: John Cena via pinfall.
As expected. And no, that's not a good thing. Truth is much more interesting now that he's a heel but that doesn't mean he's learned how to improve in the ring.
John Cena brings the plant kid in the match and gives him his hat back and raises his hands, pats him on the head, gives him a thumbs up, hands him a box of Fruity Pebbles and tells him that learning is half the battle. Well he might as well have.