X-Division #1 Contendership Ladder Match: Kazarian def. Brian Kendrick, Amazing Red, & Daniels
Man I really hate Kendrick's music. The crowd was behind Red at the beginning, despite how Kaz was going into the match with the most amount of momentum and seemingly booked as the favorite. Speaking of Kaz, what's up with him looking like the weird cousin of Antonio Banderas? I'm sure someone's pointed that out before. TNA crowds are confusing. They frequently chant whatever they can to go against the grain, yet at the same time they're SO dedicated to immediately chanting "this is awesome" or "holy shit" if anyone does ANYTHING. It's like they're bipolar and can't figure out if they love this company or hate it. They also can't figure out who to cheer as all four of these guys were getting the same 4-syllable chants. Nice powerbomb to Daniels from Kaz, but of course afterwards it resulted in a chant of "X-Division", as if they couldn't have done this in any other place or time. The crowds are hot, I'll give them that. No surprises in Kaz winning as he was clearly built up more than the others for such a win.
Flair in a Chair
Ric Flair comes out in a wheelchair to bitch at the people that are chanting "woo". He looks and sounds like he's going to have a heart attack, of course, and his face is as red as it could possibly be without him already bleeding...though I'm sure if a stiff breeze hits him, he'll probably start gushing.
Hogan and Abyss
Abyss has a ring that gives him super powers. Hogan does the usual "this guy's the best....this month" stuff. What's with "Byssamaniacs" and whatnot? They couldn't think of anything better? That's horrible. Bischoff comes in and seems like a face but is not, so there's your first case of TNADHD when it comes to faces and heels.
Knockout's Championship: Tara (c) def. Daffney
Daffney comes out to her "Beautiful People" ripoff music, because that makes sense. If she got rid of all that crap that made her character what it is, she'd be hot. Tara, aka Victoria, aka Lisa, carrying a spider to the ring. All that does is remind me of Jake the Snake and how he was actually interesting. Who is the heel and who is the face here? TNADHD again? The fans sure as hell don't know as they went from cheering everyone to cheering nobody. Oh, there they go, cheering both sides again. Tara wins with the Widow's Peak and hugs some fat person in the crowd. I guess she's the face? Daffney steals the spider and Taz implies that she's going to eat it. Ok...
Magnus and Hemme
Reference to Frankenstein in a promo? Alright. I hope this dude has bolts in his neck. That'd be cool. He'd probably eat spiders if he did, though, and I doubt the Frankenstein monster would have good promo skills.
Global Championship: Rob Terry (c) def. Magnus
Damn, Terry doesn't have bolts in his neck. Oh well. I still think the idea of a "global" championship is ridiculous seeing as how they already have the "world" title. Wouldn't "International" fit better? The crowd's dead again, and I'm forced to assume that Terry is the face as Magnus cut a heel promo before the match, despite how Terry is not receiving any kind of positive heat. WTF, it's over already? I didn't even get to make fun of anything yet.
Hemme and MCMG
Shelley has a funny line about Generation Me having "Hardy Boys starting kits". Other than that, nothing happens. Shelley does look like Bill Paxton from The Terminator with that jacket on. That's not a compliment.
Ultimate X: Motor City Machine Guns def. Generation Me
Has anyone ever pointed out that the MCMG use a handgun gesture? This is the type of match that has some fun spots in it and is entertaining, though it doesn't have a whole lot of real substance to it. The stunts are cool, though, and after the last few segments, the crowd needs to wake up and they're doing just that. Lots of nice aerial maneuvers here. Sabin ends up taking the X down and winning the match. Post-match celebration made me realize someone else Shelley resembles: Joseph Fiennes. Shelley is clearly the hybrid spawn of those two.
6-Pack and 8-Ball Backstage
Oh I'm sorry, those aren't their names, that's their occupations. Hall says he'll look like a movie star and he's right. The trouble is, he looks like the autopsy of a washed up celebrity.
Scott Hall & Syxx-Pac def. Kevin Nash & Eric Young
Hall made it to the ring! Wow. And he said "tizzights". Wow again. I'm very surprised at how well Hall's been able to perform so far in this match. I figured he would probably do nothing but a few punches, fall down like a lumbering idiot, and that's about it, but he's kind of holding his own...as best he can. BEST PART OF THE NIGHT just happened as Waltman was looking for something under the ring and yelled "Where the fuck is it?!" That was great. Nash screws Young out of it and the threesome are together again with Hall and Waltman on the roster, for now. They outline Young's body with spray paint, which I'll admit is kind of cool.
98 Degree Angle
Angle burns a picture of Ken. Get the pun, eh? Eh? EH? Yeah I'm not too fond of it either.
X-Division Championship: Doug Williams (c) def. Shannon Moore
What the fuck is Shannon Moore dressed as? This guy needs a hug from his parents. The fact that Eric Young's outline is still there is hilarious. This is now a triple threat haha. I find it a bit odd that the previous two X-Division style matches were dominated by cruiserweight action, yet the champion doesn't seem able to perform in that way. He retains by hitting Moore with a brick (lol) though, and actually cuts a promo about that style of wrestling, so it seems like maybe they were aware of that. He then points out that Moore looks like a jackass and puts some more makeup on him, to go with the blood that's already there.
Tag Team Championship: Matt Morgan & Hernandez (c) def. Beer Money
Ok, I get it, Hernandez and Morgan are fighting. This whole match so far and the promo ahead of it are nothing but the two of them arguing. I think there have been 3 moves so far. Even when the energy picks up, it still ends up being very slow. This match is boring the life out of me. What happened to subtlety? This entire segment is just yelling "these two are having problems" at you ad nauseam and nothing else. They still end up retaining, but it's followed up with Morgan attacking Hernandez.
Kurt Angle def. Mr. Anderson
Let me get this out of the way right here. I hate these type of angles. The military angle is SO lazy and cheap that it has about as much effort into it as Anderson coming out and saying he hates puppies. When you've got two guys that are good on the mic, why limit them to such a simple story? Another slow match, yay. The crowd could not give two shits about this match and there was a very sad point in this where I could literally hear, clear as day, ONE solitary fan say "let's go Angle" and then never repeat it again. That was so depressing. Five or so minutes later, I still have nothing to say other than "and boring". For fuck's sake, it's more fun listening to Taz stutter than it is to watch this match. Thank God it's over.
TNA World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles (c) vs. Abyss
Following the recent trend, this is boring me as well. I don't buy into AJ Styles as a heel at all, and this whole thing with Abyss is just flat out retarded. Plus, seeing as how Elijah "D'angelo 'The Pope' Dinero" Burke (goddamn that was annoying to write) will face the winner of this match, it surely signifies that Abyss doesn't win the title. Predictable matches can only be saved by good in-ring action and this...well...doesn't qualify. Flair takes absolutely forever to mace the eyes of the ref, which of course is followed up by the ref overacting and screaming like a little girl. Hogan comes out with Hebner to replace him, which makes you wonder why earlier, when the ref was down for like 20 minutes during the Angle/Anderson match, they couldn't have just done this same thing. Abyss chokeslams AJ through the ring and the match stops, but apparently Abyss doesn't win the title? Hogan sprays Flair with the mace, then Desmond Wolfe comes out and gets sprayed, and they celebrate. No explanation as to why Styles can retain his title when he can't continue.
Once again, TNA proves to me why I shouldn't watch them. And here's where TNA fans will criticize me for being a "WWE mark", because apparently in their minds, if you don't like TNA, it means you eat whatever crap the WWE gives you like it's chocolate.