United States Championship (Fatal Four-Way): Kofi Kingston (c) defeated MVP, William Regal, and Matt Hardy
Solid opening match, but nothing special. The botched side-suplex/vertical-suplex spot looked awkward and I was surprised that Regal wasn't injured, the way he was curled up in a ball afterwards. No weapons or anything used, so what was the point in this being on the card of the extreme gimmicks? It was also very obvious that Regal was taking the pinfall here and that Kofi would retain. Still, it wasn't crap lol.
Intercontinental Championship (No Holds Barred): Chris Jericho defeated Rey Mysterio (c)
Same basic match that they had before. I don't think these two work very well together. At least, not nearly as much as some other people do. Mysterio is a bane in every match in my mind. He's sort of the height opposite of the problems you run into with Khali. Both are just boring as hell to me and take me away from every match they're in. Now that Jericho is a NINE time IC champ, expect to see this feud continue for the Great American Bash and possibly even Night of Champions. Yay? Not really. I would've much rather preferred Mysterio start a feud with Shelton or Ziggler.
Stupid and unnecessary waste of time. They run their recaps and rewinds so much already, do we really need to have another segment explaining the story? Overkill.
Samoan Strap Match: CM Punk defeated Umaga
Crowd was completely dead. And my god, how many times did they really have to keep repeating the line "one more and ___ wins!" I can count, Grisham. Lackluster and ultimately, this match felt like it deserved to be on SmackDown rather than on a ppv to me.
ECW Championship: Tommy Dreamer defeated Christian (c) and Jack Swagger
Crowd was still dead. No real pop for Christian or Dreamer. I'll admit, I was surprised that Tommy Dreamer picked up the championship here. I thought there was no way they'd give it to him. It took them long enough, but finally, weapons were used. The only problem was that they should've just gone ahead and called this a Trash Can match as that's pretty much all they brought out. Fell a bit flat.
Miss WrestleMania Title (Hog Pen Match): Santina Marella defeated Vickie Guerrero (c)
What can I say? Fat person fall down and go boom on poop. Might as well have been written by a three year old. Simplest, lowest form of "comedy". And it doesn't get any better...
Backstage Vickie Guerrero Promo
...because right afterwards, we have to watch some retarded segment with Goldust. What a fucking ridiculous character he's become. This electroshock idea is not funny at all, nor can I ever applaud such an overused and pathetic middle school joke like the "shitake mushroom" one. Apparently the three year olds writing these segments also have no imagination. Then, Vickie and Edge have something about a divorce. This is what, 3 months too late? Its no longer relevant. Who cares?
WWE Championship (Steel Cage Match): Batista defeated Randy Orton (c)
Totally shocked at this one. I didn't have a clue that Batista would walk out the champion. What's making me scratch my head about it is why they'd want so many title changes on the same ppv, especially when...supposedly...Batista informed them of a bicep injury before the match even took place. Hopefully this goes somewhere and it isn't just an obligatory 1 day (or 1 week) Batista title reign for the hell of a shock to the audience. The match itself was yet another stagnant nothing. Not a single thing stood out to me. Might as well have been the main event on an episode of Raw - except for the fact that you can't apparently make a Raw main event happen without Legacy coming in and attacking the face. Time to roll my eyes at WWE Creative yet again.
Submission Match: John Cena defeated The Big Show
I might not be one of those Cena bashers that is completely against the guy, but for fuck's sake, we fucking get it, Vince. "John Cena is so great and he's the best and we should all have his babies and worship him as the next prophet". Stop cramming this idea down our throats. If I were Big Show, I'd be thoroughly pissed off that they're making me look like a weak idiot. You should be the most dominant character in the WWE, but you can't even beat a guy when he has internal injuries. If you've seen one Cena/Show match, you've seen them all. Big Show beats him down, Cena gets a few shots in, then beaten down again, until out of the blue he "somehow...someway" picks up the win. WWE Uncreative, I really want to punch you all in the head.
World Heavyweight Championship (Ladder Match): Jeff Hardy defeated Edge (c)
Very surprised again to see the title switch hands. I guess this means Hardy is staying and not taking some time off. Decent match, but...yet again...nothing great. This whole ppv reeked of that "meh" feeling, despite all the title changes. Maybe its because this was supposed to be the most violent ppv of the year and it turned out to be nothing but a series of TV matches with title changes for the sake of shock and awe, rather than purpose, or so it seems right now. Wait, who am I kidding...seems right now? What makes you think the WWE has some master plan? Hahaha. Yeah right. Tell that to the guys who wrote the Illegitimate Son and Million Dollar Mania storylines.
World Heavyweight Championship (Money in the Bank Cash-In): CM Punk defeated Jeff Hardy (c)
Another shock for the sake of it. Why give Jeff the title just to immediately take it off him again, when you've already had title changes on your ppv? Now, the Great American Bash is going to have shitty matches with no results because the powers-that-be will have the mindset that they gave us a real doozy at Extreme Rules and we don't deserve two good ppvs in a row - without realizing that Extreme Rules sucked. I can only assume Punk is turning heel due to cashing it in against Hardy.
This ppv was the wrestling equivalent of those types of films that consist of nothing but twists to try to mask the fact that the acting is shit, the storyline is garbage, and the special effects are cheap. Just because you have a twist and the audience doesn't see it coming does not necessarily mean you're providing the best entertainment you should be producing. Look at the sequels to Saw. Compare it to Extreme Rules. Except, you know...the Saw films actually had too much violence, while ER had virtually none.
Here's looking forward to....er....scratch that....looking in principle towards...the Not So Great American Bash.